South Louisiana Park by phattyjboy

Britney Spears on South Park

I love when the South Park guys comment on today’s important subjects. Britney Spears is probably the most important celebrity figure of the last year, and instead of exploiting her completely, they tugged at our heart strings with this episode.

Nevermind that they have Britney come to South Park to escape the paparazzi, only to blow her head off with a shotgun to try and rid herself of the torment of being a celebrity. Nevermind that she survives and they record an album and shoot a video with her headless body, only to make fun of her for being too dumb and fat. And nevermind that that she had to eventually die because without her sacrifice, there would have never been a good harvest.

Not only is South Park a sounding board for politically incorrect “truths” and sound opinions, but they are also prognosticators. The next sacrificial lamb (and quasi-reincarnation of Ms. Spears) is……Miley Cyrus. Told you, folks. I told you months ago. She’s just being Britney Miley.

Bonus material: Please please please go check out “Southside Park” if you haven’t seen it. Wow. Spot on.

Bonus Bonus material: Click HERE for a full version of last night’s episode.

Pregnant Hotties: Sad and Dismayed Edition by phattyjboy

Jessica Alba pregnancy

My poor little Jessi Bear. You look so upset. I know all those people taking your picture are annoying. Lord knows I can’t walk out of the house without lights flashing all around me, too. But that’s because I live across the street from a fire station. But I understand your pain. I mean, I know they have to go “fight fires” and “save lives”, but do they have to be so loud when they do it? Ya know?

We haven’t talked in quite a while, so if Cash isn’t treating you right, you give daddy a call. I’m not going to promise you that pictures won’t be taken, but I’ll at least wait until the baby comes. What? Daddy’s gotta make some money, too. People already offered my $100K for them. Wait….wait. Jessica! Come on. I was only kidding…..Jess?

Damn it. Pregnant bitches are so uptight.

Galleria of Pregnancy:

Jessica Alba pregnancy ass Jessica Alba pregnancy belly Jessica Alba pregnancy chug

Who Doesn’t Have a Sex Tape with LiLo? by phattyjboy

Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best

Just days after the Kristin Davis sex tape broke on the scene, the Lindsay Lohan/Calum Best sex tape that there were rumors about comes up again. God, can’t this bitch let someone else have the spotlight for a change? And by spotlight, I mean that really annoying white light on the top of a handheld video camera.

Supposedly a “friend of a friend” of Lindsay’s linked this screenshot of a blow-J with her ex-boyfriend, Calum Best (sort of NSFW):

Lindsay Lohan blowjob

Its very grainy because it was taken with a cell phone. I guess it sorta kinda maybe looks like Lindsay. But honestly, who cares? This girl does not give a shit that you know who she blows and who she doesn’t. One word that I would never use to describe Lindsay: discreet.

Lindsay Lohan initials SR ring

We also learned that the whore is wearing a ring with the initials “SR” on them, just like the one that Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are wearing right now. The “SR” supposedly stands for her lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, but I think it symbolizes her love of sticky rice. You decide. And surprise surprise – two attention-craving whores who can’t let either one have the spotlight for a day. Honestly, girls, you should both just go into porn. You know a movie featuring the two of them with (insert any whore friend here) would be “box”-office gold (get it?). I don’t care how many people have seen just as much of you as your gynecologists. GOLD.

UPDATE: Click HERE and scroll down for a NSFW video clip of the alleged blow-J. I’m not so sure that is Lindsay and what the hell is being said in the background?

Top Chef Chicago – Week 2: Lions, Tigers, and….Penguins? by phattyjboy

Tom Colicchio

Now on to my favorite show on television. And since I’m fat as can be, I am a licensed authority on food and watching people cook on TV. I burn more calories sitting here thinking about eating the food than jogging. Trust me. This week’s show started off with an Quick Fire challenge at a Chicago Farmers Market. The challenge was that the chef’s could only use five ingredients from the market or the kitchen (along with salt, pepper, butter, and oil). Last week, it looked like my sleeper pick, Mark, would be headed back down under, but he redeemed himself with a win in the Quick Fire despite leaving ingredients behind. One of my top picks, Richard, failed to impress one of his molecular gastronomy idols, Wylie Dufresne, with a eucalyptus-scented chicken leg.

There seemed to be a focus on both Chicagoans, Stephanie and Valerie, as they headed into the Elimination Challenge. They end up on the same team for the Zoo Challenge, which consisted of six teams of three. Each team had a different animal named assigned to them – Bear, Vulture, Penguin, Gorilla, – and they had to cook using the diet of their animals. They were to make four courses and cater a cocktail reception at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Andrew from Team Penguin won the Elimination Challenge with his yuzu glacier gelee and squid dish (which impressed Mr. Dufresne). Team Vulture also stepped it up as we saw Mark shine once again. His anchovie dish was easily the second favorite among the judges. The hometown girls failed to impress on Team Gorilla except for Antonia’s dish. Team Bear also suffered with another one of my favorites, Dale, on the team; however, his dish was the only good thing to come out of that team.

The judges decided to send Valerie home for her horrendous blini dish. So now with the total down to 14 contestants, here are how my favorites stack up:

– Mark
– Andrew
– Antonia
– Manuel
– Dale
– Richard
– Stephanie (even though she had a bad week)

During next week’s preview, we learn the contestants will go on a field trip. And yes, Tom Colicchio does resemble a bear. A bald bear. Like in “The Great Outdoors”.

Moment of Truth: Lissette Gonzalez by phattyjboy

Lissette Gonzalez

Normally I’d blog the whole thing, but I didn’t watch it live and don’t feel like it this week. They find some very interesting people to be on this show though. This week’s episode featured Puerto Rican hottie Lissette Gonzalez. She’s a hostess/model from NYC and has her boyfriend, Derek, her mother Alejandra, and her friend Daiana (or some bullshit spelling) on the show with her.

She’s definitely hot with her curly blonde hair and, as we lear after the first question, her fake tits. She seems to be very confident and in control. You can tell this by how many times the host, Mark Walberg, tells her how confident she is. They then begin the normal series of questions about her lying to her mother about being a virgin (give me a break), sending naked photos to a magazine, and so on.

The show got interesting when she went for $25,000 and was on Question 11: “Would you trust your boyfriend to be home alone with your best friend Daiana?” – She of course answers NO (her boyfriend looks like a real slick mofo. Nice hair, buddy) and wins the $25,000.

Question 12: “Do you think your boyfriend Derek has ever been unfaithful with you while away on a business trip?” – YES. Of course he cheated on your controlling ass.

Question 13 (asked by her ex-boyfriend): “Have you ever regretted breaking up with me?” – YES. Maybe you shouldn’t cheat on her, slick.

Question 14: “Have you ever considered getting pregnant just to get Derek to marry you?” – NO. Thats because she’s still a “virgin”. Suuuuuuuuure.

Question 15 (for $100,000): “Is your former boyfriend a better lover than Derek?” – NO. Thats why she didn’t go back to him.

Lissette decides to continue on for the $200,000 and get asked Question 16: “Have you ever had sexual relations with someone in an effort to further your career?” – She says NO, but you know this shit is YES, and she loses the money. What a dumb bitch. Honestly. You’ve been a model for years and are hostessing at a restaurant in NYC and have fake tits. You’re honestly going to say you’ve never slutted it up to further your career? Give me a break. I do not feel sorry for you. Only for myself because I’m still watching this show.

By the way, if anyone finds the naked pictures she sent to some magazine, let me know where. That will make me feel better about wasting the last hour of my life.

Way to Go, Donald by phattyjboy

Chanell Elaine Hallett underage pics

I could have told you that one of the cocktail waitresses/promoters for a brand new line of vodka would be underage. I thought it was a requirement to be under 18 to even be considered. I’ve never been to a bar or club where they were promoting a top shelf beverage and thought to myself “My god, this girl is hot for being 32.” And thats because I knew she was 17 and looked like she was 24, tops.

Now the Donald may get into a shitload of trouble, along with Trump Vodka, 944 Magazine, and the bar the even was hosted at. This soiree took place sometime during Superbowl weekend and one of the promoters, Chanell Elaine Hallett, was said to be about a week and a half away from being 18. Do they not check driver’s licenses before hiring people to work at bars? This story surfaced and we immediately had a copy of her driver’s license online. And now there is a gallery of pictures from her MySpace page (which is now private) to prove that she was underage and a lovely girl whore.

Something tells me that all girls are whores. Even the ugly ones. Have you ever browsed through Photobucket? O.M.G. Lots of girls claiming to be “hot and naked” that ruined many Saturday afternoons for me. And I know, I know. Now there’s no mystery with what this blog writer does on his Saturday afternoon. I guess you’ll just have to find out what I do the other six days, baby.

My Two Favorite Girls on the O.C. Reality Shows by phattyjboy

Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad

Ahhhh stupid whores. You cannot NOT love them. They are a recurring role in our lives. We all know one or two. Or 47. We all have slept with them. We have all felt a little sorry for them, but then got over it very quickly. But most importantly, they flaunt their whore-bilities around, no matter how much trouble pain press it gets them.

Kristin Cavallari hotness

First, the lovely Kristin Cavallari reportedly began giving out “the best blow-J’s ever” when she was only 13. She taught some girl at a summer camp how to give one on a flash light and thus, a whore is born. I remember being in a Subway when I was 13 and my buddy and his girlfriend got up and both went into the bathroom – together! And I couldn’t believe it. What could they be doing in there? Who wants to see a girl pee? And being the loser that I was, I decided to shoot quarters underneath the door to try and mess up their fun pee-watching time. If I only knew now what I knew then, I’d probably have been a lot more depressed and cried in my BMT Sub.

Audrina Patridge nude photoshoot

And then there’s the lovely Audrina Patridge from “The Hills”. Gotta love this bitch. I’m a sucker for brunettes and there was always something about her that made me think Lauren was a complete waste of my time. I actually had to tell Lauren to stop texting me. She would ask “Are you watching the show right now? You better not TiVo that shit and fast forward to the scenes with Audrina. God damn it, I thought you loved ME!” Dumb bitch just can’t handle a man the right way. We are born to roam, baby.

Anyways, these pictures that have surfaced were supposedly taken right after Audrina finished high school. That makes me very happy because you can look at 18 years olds on the internet. 17 1/2 and they give you a slap on the wrist. Any younger and you’re going to start being called a “sexual predator”. It sounds cooler than it is. She took this pictures to try and get in Playboy. What the hell were they thinking by NOT using them? Tsk tsk, Mr. Hefner. You let us down.

Go HERE to see the complete gallery of Ms. Patridge in all her glory.