I Make a Mean Ham ‘n’ Cheese, Jessie Poo by idontknowmuch

Jessica Alba pregnancy ham cravings

Jessica Alba has been craving ham and cheese sandwiches and that kinda turns me on. Excerpt from her MySpace blog:

“Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can’t get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the states, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. ITS THE BEST.”

My lovely Alba-cakes is over in Paris promoting her shitty movie “The Eye”. And while I’m sure that French people know how to make a mean ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich, I’ll fly their special ham and cheese in and buy a damn baguette and I’m sure I could come pretty close. Thats why I asked Jessica to be her MySpace friend. I know I’m better than that douchebag, Cash Warren. Who the hell is named Cash and isn’t just a complete prick.

“Come here, Jessie. Here’s another hot hammie sammie. No, I won’t bite. At least not too hard. Please.”

God, I’m creepy.

(P.S. Don’t bitch about another pregnant picture on this site. She may not even be pregnant. That might be a whole hog in there with melted Gruyere. Thats right. Gruyere, bitches).

I Beg of You by idontknowmuch

America = Cheeseburger and Fries

Please go to Food Fight and watch that amazing video. Its pretty funny AND you get a history refresher course along the way. You can also go HERE for a cheat sheet in case you don’t know what the hell food is associated with which country (there was a lot of beef stroganoff in there).

Kinda sad watching the hamburger towers come down on all the Freedom Fries though. The bombing of the sushi rolls was pretty entertaining though. I found out that I don’t care if sushi dies, but I’d probably care if an atom bomb was dropped on my country and actual people. The things we learn about ourselves.

I Needed These Last Night by idontknowmuch

Outback’s Aussie Cheese Fries

Men’s Health reports that the absolute worst thing that you can consume in the following calendar year is Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie Cheese Fries. And you know what I say? Men’s Health are a bunch of fucking retards. Why would you put a picture of that shit in your magazine? You know your readers are fat, slobby bastards like myself. Thats like taking me to a pizza place and telling me I can only have a salad with fat free dressing. You’re ass would end up on the floor.

Let me break the Aussie Cheese Fries down for you. These are french fries topped with about a gallon of cheese and a pound of bacon bits. Oh and there’s a tub of ranch dressing to dip them in as well. Calorie intake? 2,900. Grams of fat, you ask? 182. That’s right. One hundred. And. Eighty. Two. To clog your god damn arteries and stop your heart.

Now let me tell you a little story. Come with me on this journey. I am a man who once tried to consume two La Bamba’s Super Burrito’s in one sitting. Now you might say to yourself “That’s not that big of a deal. I could easily take out two burritos.” La Bamba’s slogan, proudly posted on the walls of every establishment, is “Burritos as Big as Your Head”. For all of you who do not know me, I have a big head. These burritos are monstrous (if any of your are wondering, they were both steak with avocado).

Now witnesses tell me that I finished the first burrito in like 3 minutes. They gave me 30 minutes to down both. And the result? I couldn’t get more than half of the next one down. Humiliated, I ran out of the place, upchucked about 10 times on the 6 block walk home, and passed out on my floor.

Moral of the Story: Don’t show me pictures of shit I’m not supposed to eat. I’d probably try to eat those burriots again. Possibly even this weekend. And even though my family’s heart history tells me that I shouldn’t have eaten a piece of cheese or bacon a single day in my life, I will, undoubtedly, try these Aussie Cheese Fries when I’m drunk. And the funny thing is I’ll probably go to Outback, have a steak and 15 beers, and then eat this wonderful dish. Let’s just hope I don’t try to walk home that night. Something tells me I might pass out in my booth.