South Louisiana Park by phattyjboy

Britney Spears on South Park

I love when the South Park guys comment on today’s important subjects. Britney Spears is probably the most important celebrity figure of the last year, and instead of exploiting her completely, they tugged at our heart strings with this episode.

Nevermind that they have Britney come to South Park to escape the paparazzi, only to blow her head off with a shotgun to try and rid herself of the torment of being a celebrity. Nevermind that she survives and they record an album and shoot a video with her headless body, only to make fun of her for being too dumb and fat. And nevermind that that she had to eventually die because without her sacrifice, there would have never been a good harvest.

Not only is South Park a sounding board for politically incorrect “truths” and sound opinions, but they are also prognosticators. The next sacrificial lamb (and quasi-reincarnation of Ms. Spears) is……Miley Cyrus. Told you, folks. I told you months ago. She’s just being Britney Miley.

Bonus material: Please please please go check out “Southside Park” if you haven’t seen it. Wow. Spot on.

Bonus Bonus material: Click HERE for a full version of last night’s episode.

She’s Just Being Ugly by idontknowmuch

Miley Cyrus ugly

Supposedly Ms. Hannah Montana here saved some dog from imminent doom. At least that’s how everyone who’s posting THESE PICTURES of Miley Cyrus is acting. The dog ran away from its owner for probably 45 seconds and then found Miley Cyrus and her dad petting it. The owner probably asked what the hell that green goblin was doing near her precious pooch, screaming that she needs to unhand her now, and then realized who the goblin was and asked if she wanted to buy the dog for $100.

Same thing happened to me in a park one time. This mange-y looking dog came running up to me, begging me to give it some of my Jimmy John’s, and I almost choked trying to tell it to leave me to my #9 Italian Night Club sandwich. This ridiculously good-looking dog walker comes running up and apologizes to me, saying she was sorry the dog ruined my lunch blah blah blah. Then the bitch has the nerve to think I’m Carson fucking Daly and she sits down next to me with the dog on her lap. The dog grabs some of my genoa salami and before I can even react, this girl blurts out “I want some of your salami, too.”

True story. Except she really just wanted some salami off the sandwich. The restraining order is still in effect. I guess you can’t pull out your man meat in public unless someone is very specific with you. I blame the FCC.

Check out the nutritional facts for this wonderful sandwich:

Jimmy John’s #9 Italian Night Club sandwich

The Next Generation by idontknowmuch

Ali Lohan

The picture above was not posted so we can see Lindsay’s much younger sister in a bikini (although Lindsay is looking good here). It was posted because Teen Vogue printed an interview with Ali Lohan where she says things like this:

“I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”

And she wants to be famous: “really bad, so bad. So bad you don’t even know.”

With a reality show already in the works with her whore of a mother, Dina Lohan, I’m going to say, without a shred of doubt, that she will follow in her sister’s footsteps. Look at the way she already talks and how much attention she is craving. She’s already in the shadows of the naked photoshoot and millions of dollars her sister has made off her tits acting. She’s going to have to fuck prove to everyone that she can be just as whorey good as her sister, or at least as talented hot.

Let’s follow a pattern here: Britney and Jaime Lynn. Now Lindsay and Ali. I wanna know if Hayden has any younger sisters that want to “prove themselves”. And look at what Miley Cyrus has done with her dad’s success (even though I don’t know how). All this goes back to the parents. The Spears and the Lohans are horrible, horrible parents and its very clear to see that with their children’s actions. Now I know money and fame and success and pressure play into all this, but if Miley stays the course and stops posting MySpace pictures and is a nice girl, then this will prove my point further. And if Hayden stays a nice girl, too.

But just look at our previous post about the Southwest Airlines dumb sluts. All I know is that when I was 13 or 14, girls weren’t dressing like B-squad strippers or making videos of themselves dancing in their underwear or naked. And if they were, then I blame the internet for taking so god damn long to develop. These kids todays have it so easy seeing boobs. They didn’t have to look through squiggly lines on the TV in the basement at night and wait for a nipple to pop up. They can go on YouTube or Flickr right now and find naughty pictures of the hot girls in school and their next door neighbors slightly older daughter that just “matured” a bit more.

In my day, if you wanted to be a creep, you had to just look over the fence at her or try to sneak into the girls bathroom and pretend you thought it was the guys. Thats the right to do it, dammit.

They’re my favorites, too, Miley by idontknowmuch

Miley Cyrus schoolgirl

Once again, I’m sure you all have lives and don’t actually watch programs called “America’s Best Dance Crew” or anything that Randy Jackson presents, but there’s a kid on that show named Tony Zane (Break Sk8) and he’s from the town I grew up in, so I have it on my DVR. And Miley Cyrus and Hayden Panettiere must have time in their busy schedules to watch. Miley loves the Jabbawockeez and Hayden admits that she “likes to shake her booty.”

Now let me tell you – I like to shake my booty just like Ms. Panettiere, especially when I’m drunk. It might not be too pretty, but I have fun doing it and every once in a while a girl will dance with me, so just leave me alone, but check these guys out:

“Then Super Man Dat Hoe. Now, Watch me You….You….You….”

Topic of the Week: February 18th, 2008 (even though its the 19th) – Hollywood Sluts by idontknowmuch

Lohan Topless Covered by Nipple

Phatty: So I woke up this yesterday morning and had the delight of viewing New York Magazine’s pictorial spread of Lindsay Lohan. The photoshoot is an homage to “The Last Sitting”, the series of photos of Marilyn Monroe at she took at the Bel-Air Hotel just six weeks before she died. And all I have to say is bravo, Lindsay. Not only did you completely screw up your acting career, but now you get to be an “artsy” whore so you can try and reclaim some of your star power. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of the body of your work (insert cheesy cackle here). I didn’t like it when you got really, really skinny on that coke binge a while back, but you packed some meat on during rehab and daddy like-y. But you and your Hollywood slut bags have got to start having a little more class. You’re reported to have fucked everyone in Hollywood. Twice. And Britney? Let’s not even get started on her. She’s the trailer trash version of the high school slut. She got made up to look like America’s Sweetheart and then went right back to downing moonshine and screwing dirt bags in the barn. And Ms. Hilton – I don’t think there’s a square inch of your body that we haven’t seen, and the ones we haven’t are probably riddled with disease. To top it all off, all three of you have opened up yourselves to everyone in the country like we all have MD’s in gynecology. While some of us might “claim that we do, we, in fact, do not.

Jim: I have many problems with your paragraph here. One, you call Lindsay a whore for getting naked for publicity. Its things like that….and people like you….who will discourage the Scarlett Johannson’s and Jessica Alba’s of the world from posing naked once their career dries up like a booger on the sofa of life. Also, Britney isn’t a ‘Hollywood’ slut. Slut? Yes. Does she live around Hollywood? I think so. But she’s not an actress. Unless you call ‘Crossroads’ cinema. And I don’t. And at this point, I don’t even consider Paris Hilton human. She’s like plankton, or lice. And the media is her host, from which she sucks life.

Phatty: Let me have another go at the title then. “Sluts that live in or around Hollywood and the Los Angeles area”. Is that better? And another thing is that these bitches love when you call them whores anyways. Maybe ScarJo or Alba wouldn’t admit to it, but they both like the dirty talk. One thing we do agree on is Ms. Hilton. She is a plague. A plague that for some reason we cannot rid the world of or look away from. Would you really meet this bitch at a club and take her home, knowing full well that she’s been plowed more times than the cornfield in back of my house? That cornfield has been here for at least 150 years, so thats a lot of plowing. One thing that we can definitely agree on is that out of the three ladies in question, we both would love to play connect the dots with Lindsay’s freckles and never, ever see the other two in person ever. Never ever. Ever. Agreed?

Jim: Let me tell you something right now….I wouldn’t fuck Paris Hilton with your dick. Seriously. A lot of internet nerds say shit about famous women….”Oh, she isnt that hot”…..”Her legs are nasty”…..blah blah blah. But in secret they would cum if Jessica Biel walked by them on the street. But Paris? No, son. No. That chick has more diseases than the monkey in ‘Outbreak’. (Thanks, Kevin Smith).

Phatty: Let’s just hope that this procession of Hollywood whoredom continues and we can start pushing some of these older ho’s to the side. I don’t have a problem with seeing artsy pictures of Lohan’s breasts (although let’s keep your legs closed, hunnie), but who is the next generation? We already know Miley Cyrus is heading down that path. And we always have Lindsay’s sister. Britney’s sister completely bypassed even getting to this stage since she’s pregnant at 16 and we’ll hopefully never hear about that family again unless it is in the Kentwood Gazette. I wonder if they can live up to all the scandalousness of their older counterparts.

Jim: I’ve got to think that the next worthwhile Hollywood skanks are out there. Hayden Panettiere may be one. We haven’t seen much skankness out of her yet, but she’s 18 and dating a 30-year old. Plus, she was photographed hanging out with Paris and Nicole Ritchie when she was like 15. So she may be an undercover skank. Also, remember……about 3-5 years ago, no one would of thought Britney would be a skank. Now, she is the possible queen of the skanks. Maybe today’s cutesy, girl-next-door is 2013’s skank. Lindsay’s little sister? Dakota Fanning? Why not?

Phatty: I guess we can only wait and see. Meanwhile, let’s see some more hotties try and resurrect their careers with more nakedness and shameless whoring around. And do it before you turn out like Britney. Do you hear me, Miley?

You’re achy-breaking your father’s heart!!! by idontknowmuch

When the wife and I think about possibly having a kid sometime soon, we think about some of the people who we believe are great parents and how we want to take little lessons we have learned from those parents and formulate our own parenting ‘strategy’, as it were. Those people include our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and of course, Billy Ray Cyrus.

So it came as a complete shock to me that Billy Ray’s youngin’, ‘Hannah Montana’ star Miley Cyrus, has had some not-so-innocent pictures of her appear online this weekend.

Hannah Montana

Sweetie, listen to someone older: you have the rest of your life to skank it up. You’re only 16……I think. If you want to send ‘racy’ pictures to the dude you’re fucking when you’re 22, and those pictures get leaked online, I will happily post them. I might even email them to my friends and the male members of my family. But just wait.

HannahBomber by idontknowmuch

Hannah Montana

I know I know. Stupid title. Its Friday and I don’t give a shiiiiit.

A fucking 16 year old was going to hijack a plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert down in Louisiana. Let me repeat. 16 year old. Crash. Plane. Hannah Montana. Dead.

Now don’t get me wrong. I spent many nights during my “formative years” wishing that I could drop planes on stupid teenie bopper whores. Hell I may have even wished that on some of the ones that were a little, dare I say, fugly. But come on dude. Just go to college and you won’t give a fuck about your little high school crushes anymore. You’ll get plenty of ass, albeit I don’t know how it would compare with the lovely Ms. Montana, but you’ll be drunk so who cares.

Needless to say this guy might have just been a few years too late with a plan to kill off a teenie bopper. Why don’t you do this circa 1998 and spare us half the bullshit we get jammed down our throat on a daily basis. Wait nevermind. I wouldn’t have very much to talk about then, would I? They’d probably find another celebrity to spread all over the gossip pages, but would it really be THIS fun? And who am I to wish there never was the “I’m a Slave For You” video?

Southwest Ding logo

To all the mothers out there, don’t you worry about sending your kids to a concert. Southwest has just initiated a new “Ding” program that will notify passengers every time a flight is hijacked to crash into a Hannah Montana concert. Let’s just hope someone on the flight would actually want to stop them. 

Geography Lesson for Friday: 

Can anyone point out where Montana and Louisiana are on this map? *Bonus points for if you can tell me where in Montana the Unabomber lived. That was Montana, right?

Blank map of USA