One Liners – It’s Been a While by idontknowmuch

Adriana Lima GQ Photoshoot March 2008

– You might say that Adriana Lima is attractive (DrunkenStepfather)

-They better demolish the entire site that the naked Winehouse photoshoot took place on (DListed)

– See, I told you that all “Girls Gone Wild” girls would go on to lead great lives (Hollywood Tuna)

– I expect more from you, Scarlett (ImNotObsessed)

– Kate Beckinsale goes commando on that Late Show I don’t watch (Egotastic)

– I don’t care what any of you say, Jen looks hot (Just Jared)

Let’s See What We Can Do by idontknowmuch

Us Magazine is reporting that Scarlett Johannson is auctioning the opportunity to accompany her to the opening of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ in June. All proceeds will go to Oxfam:

The eBay auction, which launched this morning, so far lists the highest bidder as $10.50…….The winner gets to attend the L.A. premiere of Johansson’s movie He’s Just Not That Into You with the star in June. They’ll get a chauffeured car for the event and take home a hand-written note from the actress.

Scarlett Johansson 2

Anyone that knows me also knows my affection for Ms. Johansson. So, lets see what we can put together: I currently have 1 dollar in my wallet. OK. I have approximately $214 in my checking account. I could max out my two credit cards for about 25 grand. I could sell my car for about another 9 g’s. So that makes about $30,000-$35,000. If need be, I could also be contracted to murder some people for a few grand a piece. (Not really, FBI spies. Hi!)

Now…..should I risk it all–my financial life, my credit score, my marriage, all that crap–for a chance at ScarJo? I mean, I’m guessing the winner will maybe shake Scarlett’s hand, pose for a picture or two, and then be sitting far, far away from the goddess during the premiere and after-party. So its probably not worth it.


But remember that rumor about Scarlett and Benicio del Toro in the elevator after the Oscars a few years ago? What if I’m able to throw down some of my famous lame charm and I’m looking good like a human man that night, and Scarlett thinks it would be hot to go slumming a bit, you know……to give a big ‘Fuck You!’ to the Hollywood pretty boys like Josh Hartnett and Abe Vigoda? That would be worth the $30 grand. Yeah… could happen!

Then, after the party and ensuing sex, we could hop into my spaceship that I made out of old refrigerator boxes and egg cartons, and we could fly all the way to Cyblor X-17, one of the moons of the as yet undiscovered planet Craptron. From there, I would call President-elect Nader and tell him that Scarlett and I would be establishing a colony where all regular, blog-writing doofuses (doofi?) could come with their number 1 crush. Yeah….thats just as realistic.

Women of the Web by idontknowmuch

Marisa Miller

Just click HERE. Trust me. You’ll be happy that you did.

Sidenote: 100 hundred pictures of Marisa Miller might make my head explode. Just a bit.

We’ll find out in May by idontknowmuch

Scarlett Johansson can sing

David Bowie has spoken about Scarlett Johannson’s first album, expected to drop in May 19th, 2008. The album is a collection of covers of Tom Waits songs, of which Bowie collaborated on “Anywhere I Lay My Head – Fallin’ Down” and “Fannin’ Street”. Here’s what he had to say:

Posting on his official site BowieNet, the singer said: “The songs are great, really good Tom Waits stuff, and Scarlett’s performances are mystical and twice cool. She creates a mood that could have been summoned by someone like Margery Latimer or Jeanette Winterson.”

I love a girl who can sing. I can’t even imagine what it would like to have a girl as hot, freaky, and big-boobed as ScarJo and then have her be able to sing you to sleep. That may sound creepy, but I’m sure there are some nights when you can’t get to sleep because of the bad storm outside. All that lightening and thunder. I don’t care if you call me a pussy. I’m nestled between Scarlett’s breasts while she softly whispers in my ear, coaxing me gently into a steady pattern of rapid eye movement. A boy can dream, can’t he?

Did I switch bodies with Natalie Portman? by idontknowmuch

Natalie Portman Closer

In an attempt to make my head explode, the Sun UK is reporting that Natalie Portman wants to grab Scarlett Johannson’s breasts. Apparently, Natalie was reading from my diary when she said “Seriously, I want to grab Scarlett’s boobs. She has beautiful ones.”

Scar Jo

Wow, Natalie. You don’t say. You might be surprised to learn that this isn’t the first time Natalie has voiced my thoughts:

*–“George Bush is the anti-christ.”–November 22, 2004.
*–“I fucking hate Juan Uribe with the fire of a thousand suns.”–June, 2007.
*–“I think Carrie Morris likes me. I’m going to ask her to prom.”–May, 1995.
*–“I’m going to go in the other room, masturbate, and go to sleep.”–Almost every day since 1990.

One Liners by idontknowmuch

– How fun would Gary Busey be at my next cocktail party? I’ll let you know!  (IDLYITW)

–  Something isn’t very beautiful about this, Christina. Yikes. (WWTDD)

– She’ll look exactly like her mother in a few years. Just wait. (DrunkenStepfather)

– Another edition of “Way Too Hot For Him” this Wednesday on ABC. (DrunkenStepfather)

– They’re definitely lesbians together. (SeriouslyOMG)

– I like this quote: “Too bad she didn’t pass the oral exam, or she might not be in the bind she’s in now.” (ICYDK)

– I love his band, but come on, Jared. (Dlisted)

– Damn it, Summer. ::sigh:: (JustJared)

Topic of the Week: February 18th, 2008 (even though its the 19th) – Hollywood Sluts by idontknowmuch

Lohan Topless Covered by Nipple

Phatty: So I woke up this yesterday morning and had the delight of viewing New York Magazine’s pictorial spread of Lindsay Lohan. The photoshoot is an homage to “The Last Sitting”, the series of photos of Marilyn Monroe at she took at the Bel-Air Hotel just six weeks before she died. And all I have to say is bravo, Lindsay. Not only did you completely screw up your acting career, but now you get to be an “artsy” whore so you can try and reclaim some of your star power. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of the body of your work (insert cheesy cackle here). I didn’t like it when you got really, really skinny on that coke binge a while back, but you packed some meat on during rehab and daddy like-y. But you and your Hollywood slut bags have got to start having a little more class. You’re reported to have fucked everyone in Hollywood. Twice. And Britney? Let’s not even get started on her. She’s the trailer trash version of the high school slut. She got made up to look like America’s Sweetheart and then went right back to downing moonshine and screwing dirt bags in the barn. And Ms. Hilton – I don’t think there’s a square inch of your body that we haven’t seen, and the ones we haven’t are probably riddled with disease. To top it all off, all three of you have opened up yourselves to everyone in the country like we all have MD’s in gynecology. While some of us might “claim that we do, we, in fact, do not.

Jim: I have many problems with your paragraph here. One, you call Lindsay a whore for getting naked for publicity. Its things like that….and people like you….who will discourage the Scarlett Johannson’s and Jessica Alba’s of the world from posing naked once their career dries up like a booger on the sofa of life. Also, Britney isn’t a ‘Hollywood’ slut. Slut? Yes. Does she live around Hollywood? I think so. But she’s not an actress. Unless you call ‘Crossroads’ cinema. And I don’t. And at this point, I don’t even consider Paris Hilton human. She’s like plankton, or lice. And the media is her host, from which she sucks life.

Phatty: Let me have another go at the title then. “Sluts that live in or around Hollywood and the Los Angeles area”. Is that better? And another thing is that these bitches love when you call them whores anyways. Maybe ScarJo or Alba wouldn’t admit to it, but they both like the dirty talk. One thing we do agree on is Ms. Hilton. She is a plague. A plague that for some reason we cannot rid the world of or look away from. Would you really meet this bitch at a club and take her home, knowing full well that she’s been plowed more times than the cornfield in back of my house? That cornfield has been here for at least 150 years, so thats a lot of plowing. One thing that we can definitely agree on is that out of the three ladies in question, we both would love to play connect the dots with Lindsay’s freckles and never, ever see the other two in person ever. Never ever. Ever. Agreed?

Jim: Let me tell you something right now….I wouldn’t fuck Paris Hilton with your dick. Seriously. A lot of internet nerds say shit about famous women….”Oh, she isnt that hot”…..”Her legs are nasty”…..blah blah blah. But in secret they would cum if Jessica Biel walked by them on the street. But Paris? No, son. No. That chick has more diseases than the monkey in ‘Outbreak’. (Thanks, Kevin Smith).

Phatty: Let’s just hope that this procession of Hollywood whoredom continues and we can start pushing some of these older ho’s to the side. I don’t have a problem with seeing artsy pictures of Lohan’s breasts (although let’s keep your legs closed, hunnie), but who is the next generation? We already know Miley Cyrus is heading down that path. And we always have Lindsay’s sister. Britney’s sister completely bypassed even getting to this stage since she’s pregnant at 16 and we’ll hopefully never hear about that family again unless it is in the Kentwood Gazette. I wonder if they can live up to all the scandalousness of their older counterparts.

Jim: I’ve got to think that the next worthwhile Hollywood skanks are out there. Hayden Panettiere may be one. We haven’t seen much skankness out of her yet, but she’s 18 and dating a 30-year old. Plus, she was photographed hanging out with Paris and Nicole Ritchie when she was like 15. So she may be an undercover skank. Also, remember……about 3-5 years ago, no one would of thought Britney would be a skank. Now, she is the possible queen of the skanks. Maybe today’s cutesy, girl-next-door is 2013’s skank. Lindsay’s little sister? Dakota Fanning? Why not?

Phatty: I guess we can only wait and see. Meanwhile, let’s see some more hotties try and resurrect their careers with more nakedness and shameless whoring around. And do it before you turn out like Britney. Do you hear me, Miley?

If this is a rumor, so help me God by idontknowmuch

The NY Post and Page 6 are reporting that there may be a reason to see a few minutes of a Woody Allen movie for the first time since the opening of ‘Deconstructing Harry,’ when Julia Louis-Dreyfus got it from behind in a funny but strangely hot scene.

SCARLETT Johansson (below) has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen‘s upcoming “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” A source tells us: “It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.” The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem (below), who plays Cruz’s husband. The film also stars Patricia Clarkson, Rebecca Hall, Kevin Dunn and Chris Messina.


Seriously…..if this turns out to be false, or if the scenes mentioned above do not include nudity and/or extensive soft core porn, I will stab my blog writing partner in the neck. Why him? Just because.

Penelope Cruz

Page 6 has been known to report some bullshit before. So I’m cautiously optimistic here.

I don’t ask for much. Chicago has gotten about 46 inches of snow this winter; did I pray to make it stop? No. The Bears, White Sox, and Bulls have all sucked in the last year. Did I pray for victories? No. George Bush is still president. Did I pray for him to fall off a tall building? No. I don’t ask for much. Make this true, lord. You know you wanna see Penelope and Scarlett doing the dirty as much as me.