IDontKnowMuch.com


Pregnant Hotties: Sad and Dismayed Edition by phattyjboy

Jessica Alba pregnancy

My poor little Jessi Bear. You look so upset. I know all those people taking your picture are annoying. Lord knows I can’t walk out of the house without lights flashing all around me, too. But that’s because I live across the street from a fire station. But I understand your pain. I mean, I know they have to go “fight fires” and “save lives”, but do they have to be so loud when they do it? Ya know?

We haven’t talked in quite a while, so if Cash isn’t treating you right, you give daddy a call. I’m not going to promise you that pictures won’t be taken, but I’ll at least wait until the baby comes. What? Daddy’s gotta make some money, too. People already offered my $100K for them. Wait….wait. Jessica! Come on. I was only kidding…..Jess?

Damn it. Pregnant bitches are so uptight.

Galleria of Pregnancy:

Jessica Alba pregnancy ass Jessica Alba pregnancy belly Jessica Alba pregnancy chug



I Make a Mean Ham ‘n’ Cheese, Jessie Poo by idontknowmuch

Jessica Alba pregnancy ham cravings

Jessica Alba has been craving ham and cheese sandwiches and that kinda turns me on. Excerpt from her MySpace blog:

“Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can’t get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the states, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. ITS THE BEST.”

My lovely Alba-cakes is over in Paris promoting her shitty movie “The Eye”. And while I’m sure that French people know how to make a mean ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich, I’ll fly their special ham and cheese in and buy a damn baguette and I’m sure I could come pretty close. Thats why I asked Jessica to be her MySpace friend. I know I’m better than that douchebag, Cash Warren. Who the hell is named Cash and isn’t just a complete prick.

“Come here, Jessie. Here’s another hot hammie sammie. No, I won’t bite. At least not too hard. Please.”

God, I’m creepy.

(P.S. Don’t bitch about another pregnant picture on this site. She may not even be pregnant. That might be a whole hog in there with melted Gruyere. Thats right. Gruyere, bitches).



One Liners by idontknowmuch

Amanda Overmeyer

– Top 10 9 girls and one skunk’s performances from American Idol last night (JustJared)

– Harlow Madden slightly resembles a girl version of Vern Troyer (People)

– Awww a promise ring for Ashlee! (DListed)

– Winehouse is back on the sauce crack ecstasy every drug known to man-kind (The Sun)

– Jessica, you already did this interview for GQ a couple years ago and no one feels sorry that you got made fun of because you were hot in grade school (Page Six)

– You already did the best photoshoot you could ever do, LiLo (ASL)

– God, I used to love her, especially in that boring movie with Sigourney Weaver (Hollywood Tuna)



Topic of the Week: February 25th, 2008 – Does pregnancy really ruin a bitch? by idontknowmuch

Jessica Alba Pre-Oscars weird party

I know what you’re going to say, ladies: You are not all bitches and pregnancy is a beautiful thing and what would your mothers think? Well she doesn’t read this blog, thank god.

Jim: Interesting topic here. Now, before I get into this, you should have some background on me. I like curves. Skinny women with no breasts or ass do absolutely nothing for me. Rarely am I attracted to a woman with a B cup or smaller. So I am never going to get mad when a woman’s tits get huge and her ass gets more full. However, I don’t crave fat women, either. I dont have a pregnancy fetish. So if a woman isn’t really showing, up to 4 or 5 months, theres a good chance the pregnancy itself makes a woman hotter. But after that, I think I’d rather log on to assparade and visit my friend Peaches. Thats just how it goes.

Chris: Now I agree with you, my friend. I definitely like curves on a woman, too. Woman are supposed to have curves and especially an ass. I’m a complete ass man. I don’t really discriminate on the boobage, but I’m not going to say I don’t like a good pair. I will tell you this though. There are some pregnant woman that are really hot even up until the end. Maybe its because I already have a child of my own, but I’m not freaked out by the huge bump. But there is also a phenomenon that must be addressed here. Some woman are pregnant and get freaking huge and then shrink down to their normal size in about a month, some it seems like in a few days. Others don’t ever return to how they looked before. But there boobage remains much more robust for months to come. Look at Christina Aguilera. Salma Hayek. Camilla Alves. Brooke Burke.

Jim: And this is the phenomena I am hoping for Jessica Alba. If you remember, about 5 or 6 years ago, when she was in ‘Dark Angel’, Jess was just…….sublime. She wasn’t too skinny, but yet was nowhere near fat–or even thick. Then she started losing weight. A few months ago, she couldnt have been more than 100 pounds, and for a girl who was at her hottest when she had a decent rack and RIDICULOUS ASS, the skinny look isnt cool. So maybe now, her body will keep that weight on. If female celebrities getting pregnant–and the resulting love they get for their fuller figures–finally wakes people up to the fact that super-skinny IS NOT HOT, then I’m all for it. Thats why I’m starting to think all female celebrities who are getting too skinny in th future should just get knocked up. Some may say its not a good enough reason to get pregnant; I say, if Nicole Ritchie can get pregnant just to avoid jail time, then Hayden Panettiere can get knocked up so that we can look at her with a C cup. Its only fair.

Phatty: This might get confusing. I don’t think that Jamie Lynn Spears gets more attractive because she’s pregnant. She wasn’t too skinny in the first place, but she is only 16 and a Spears. So we can definitely say that pregnancy will ruin a Spears bitch, thats for damn sure. Not that Jaime Lynn was all that attractive, but next to her sister and her mom, I’d be choosing her. And I’m all for Hayden growing some boobies, but you know the pregnancy would go straight to that ass and thighs. She already has some issues in that department and she’s always working out, but hey I’m all for people who are trying to be active and healthy. I just don’t know how much of an improvement it would be…..

Jim: I never see her ass working out. I heard about her wrestling dolphins. Or was she hunting the fishermen that were hunting dolphin? I’m not sure. All I do know is that Hayden needs to get knocked up. We’ll get about 3-4 months of solid rack growth, then the bump will come, and then after that her bottom half will snap back into shape while her top half will be more respectable. She’s 18 and has no real job, and she has all that “heroes” money to get a personal trainer; she should have no problem losing the baby weight. But to be more on point, I think we have determined that pregnancy may not ruin a bitch……it depends on the bitch. Bitch.

Phatty: I guess you can actually say that we both don’t mind pregnant girls through their first couple months as long as it makes them have bigger boobies, bigger butts (but only if they need it), and that they get back on the treadmill after popping that kid out so that we can view them as hot again. And we’re both fat, balding slobs who should get on a treadmill ourselves so that at least a couple drunk bitches might say “Eh, he’ll do.”

Jim: Hey…..this isn’t about us and our incessant need to eat a pint of Ben n Jerry’s a night and follow that up with 2 artery clogging steaks, followed by sitting motionless on the couch for the following 3 hours, eventually leading to sleep. This is about famous women who are known for their beauty and their bodies, and their duty to stay hot until the next young starlet comes along and takes her spot. Everyone has their place…..bloggers are supposed to sit in their parent’s basements and make judgements of the beautiful people. The beautiful people are supposed to be beautiful.

Phatty: Spoken like a true poet.

Editor’s Note: Hayden Panettiere does work out. She wears workout clothes all the time. Although she doesn’t ever appear to be sweating….



Topic of the Week: February 18th, 2008 (even though its the 19th) – Hollywood Sluts by idontknowmuch

Lohan Topless Covered by Nipple

Phatty: So I woke up this yesterday morning and had the delight of viewing New York Magazine’s pictorial spread of Lindsay Lohan. The photoshoot is an homage to “The Last Sitting”, the series of photos of Marilyn Monroe at she took at the Bel-Air Hotel just six weeks before she died. And all I have to say is bravo, Lindsay. Not only did you completely screw up your acting career, but now you get to be an “artsy” whore so you can try and reclaim some of your star power. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of the body of your work (insert cheesy cackle here). I didn’t like it when you got really, really skinny on that coke binge a while back, but you packed some meat on during rehab and daddy like-y. But you and your Hollywood slut bags have got to start having a little more class. You’re reported to have fucked everyone in Hollywood. Twice. And Britney? Let’s not even get started on her. She’s the trailer trash version of the high school slut. She got made up to look like America’s Sweetheart and then went right back to downing moonshine and screwing dirt bags in the barn. And Ms. Hilton – I don’t think there’s a square inch of your body that we haven’t seen, and the ones we haven’t are probably riddled with disease. To top it all off, all three of you have opened up yourselves to everyone in the country like we all have MD’s in gynecology. While some of us might “claim that we do, we, in fact, do not.

Jim: I have many problems with your paragraph here. One, you call Lindsay a whore for getting naked for publicity. Its things like that….and people like you….who will discourage the Scarlett Johannson’s and Jessica Alba’s of the world from posing naked once their career dries up like a booger on the sofa of life. Also, Britney isn’t a ‘Hollywood’ slut. Slut? Yes. Does she live around Hollywood? I think so. But she’s not an actress. Unless you call ‘Crossroads’ cinema. And I don’t. And at this point, I don’t even consider Paris Hilton human. She’s like plankton, or lice. And the media is her host, from which she sucks life.

Phatty: Let me have another go at the title then. “Sluts that live in or around Hollywood and the Los Angeles area”. Is that better? And another thing is that these bitches love when you call them whores anyways. Maybe ScarJo or Alba wouldn’t admit to it, but they both like the dirty talk. One thing we do agree on is Ms. Hilton. She is a plague. A plague that for some reason we cannot rid the world of or look away from. Would you really meet this bitch at a club and take her home, knowing full well that she’s been plowed more times than the cornfield in back of my house? That cornfield has been here for at least 150 years, so thats a lot of plowing. One thing that we can definitely agree on is that out of the three ladies in question, we both would love to play connect the dots with Lindsay’s freckles and never, ever see the other two in person ever. Never ever. Ever. Agreed?

Jim: Let me tell you something right now….I wouldn’t fuck Paris Hilton with your dick. Seriously. A lot of internet nerds say shit about famous women….”Oh, she isnt that hot”…..”Her legs are nasty”…..blah blah blah. But in secret they would cum if Jessica Biel walked by them on the street. But Paris? No, son. No. That chick has more diseases than the monkey in ‘Outbreak’. (Thanks, Kevin Smith).

Phatty: Let’s just hope that this procession of Hollywood whoredom continues and we can start pushing some of these older ho’s to the side. I don’t have a problem with seeing artsy pictures of Lohan’s breasts (although let’s keep your legs closed, hunnie), but who is the next generation? We already know Miley Cyrus is heading down that path. And we always have Lindsay’s sister. Britney’s sister completely bypassed even getting to this stage since she’s pregnant at 16 and we’ll hopefully never hear about that family again unless it is in the Kentwood Gazette. I wonder if they can live up to all the scandalousness of their older counterparts.

Jim: I’ve got to think that the next worthwhile Hollywood skanks are out there. Hayden Panettiere may be one. We haven’t seen much skankness out of her yet, but she’s 18 and dating a 30-year old. Plus, she was photographed hanging out with Paris and Nicole Ritchie when she was like 15. So she may be an undercover skank. Also, remember……about 3-5 years ago, no one would of thought Britney would be a skank. Now, she is the possible queen of the skanks. Maybe today’s cutesy, girl-next-door is 2013’s skank. Lindsay’s little sister? Dakota Fanning? Why not?

Phatty: I guess we can only wait and see. Meanwhile, let’s see some more hotties try and resurrect their careers with more nakedness and shameless whoring around. And do it before you turn out like Britney. Do you hear me, Miley?



Pregnant Hotties by idontknowmuch

Since everyone is pregnant in Hollywood lately, we’ll be instituting a wonderful new feature on IDontKnowMuch.com called “Pregnant Hotties.” If you don’t like it, we could care less. We like it and we’re not ashamed.

Guess the bootay of this pregnant Hollywood starlet. Me likey.

Jessica Alba’s pregnant ass



Of Course She Looks Bigger by idontknowmuch

Jessica Alba pregnant

She’s pregnant. Thats usually what happens to girls who are pregnant. They gain weight. The ones that don’t look like they’ve put on any pounds until they’re like 7 1/2 months along are freaks of nature anyways. And to be honest, I think she still looks damn fine. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever get this picture out of my mind:

Jessia Alba’s ass

But give her a damn break. Who cares if her cheeks are getting fat? Are you even looking at her cheeks in the picture above? No…not those cheeks. Obviously we’re all looking at her ass. The one’s on her face. 

Oh nevermind.