IDontKnowMuch.com

This is a new Feature Section on idontknowmuch.com. Every Monday (or Tuesday if we’re too hungover) we will post a back and forth commentary between this blog’s two esteemed writers. This week’s feature: The Spears Family.

Phatty: My first reaction to last week’s Britney drama is just to feel bad for the girl. And I look at her Dad (who looks like he’s 75 years old now) and only think of what it would be like to have her as a daughter. Its probably worse than having a pornstar or stripper in the family. But then I remember she’s still worth $250 million and I remember why we’re here in the first place.

Jim: Dude, I place all of the blame on her father and mother. Britney’s been trained to be the human equivalent of a grizzly bear riding a tricycle since she was 16. ‘You don’t need an education, baby….go out there and make mommy and daddy some coin.’ Then, people are all shocked when she has a breakdown at 25. If I was rich beyond my wildest dreams at 16 and had no parental guidance, I would’ve been dead by 21. I would of tried to buy the world’s supply of Ecstasy. It would of gotten real ugly.

Phatty: I can’t believe you gave yourself 5 years to live. I’d say you would at least have 5 1/2 or 6 good years in you after you hit it rich. And look at Britney? She’s been on a supposed meth binge for the last few years and was just recently committed. You’d just be touching people inappropriately and seeing rainbows and then become really paranoid. Maybe even start hanging out with paparazzi because you don’t have any other real friends…hey wait a minute….

Jim: I wasn’t too into meth. Never tried it, so I can’t speak intelligently on how it affects you. Does it make you not care about your two kids? Perhaps. The better question here is about K-Fed. Isn’t it entirely possible that he’s an evil genius? Look at the facts: he marries Britney when she is at hear absolute hotness peak. He knocks her up a couple times. Then, as the marriage is beginning to show signs of trouble, he introduces meth. (Just a theory). So he gets her hooked on meth, they break up, and suddenly…..he looks like the sane one. He looks like the good parent. And he’s got two little meal tickets in his custody who are entitled to a major portion of Brit’s money. Fucking. Genius.

Phatty: Thats not a bad conspiracy theory, my friend. I guarantee he fucked her mom while she was in a drug-induced coma. He probably knocked up Jaime Lynn, too. And not only does he introduce Britney to meth, but also introduces laxatives as her candy-coated antidote. She’s popping those ten pills a day because she thinks it’ll reverse the effects of the meth she’s addicted to, and all she ends up doing is shitting her brains out. If I took two laxatives I’d be like a freaking Roto Rooter. Let’s just say it would not be pretty.

Jim: Thats a good point about him nailing Brit’s mom. She’s a decent MILF. If you’re married to a woman you don’t really care about, and her mom is batshit nuts and relatively hot for an older broad, then obviously you’re going to hit it. Every younger guy wants an older woman. They are very learned, and by the looks of Brit’s dad, this particuluar older woman hadn’t been treated well. So obviously she is going to run into the arms of a charmer like K-Fed. 45-year old women cannot resist an unshaven, 21 year old wigger. Its science.

Phatty: Or…..its electric. Doo doo doooo da doodoodoo dooo dooooooo and slide. I’m actually kind of worried about KFed’s powers of persuasion. I really don’t know how he waltzed into Britney’s life and took over by storm. Speaking of taking over by storm, I think American Idol has something to do with this. They needed to knock Britney down from the Axis of Music power, and to do so, they disguised a brilliant mastermind as said KFed, wife beater and all, to descend upon the Queen of American Pop Stardom (or QAPS for those of you who are so inclined to use acronyms) and completely ruin her life. All this so the world could have Kelly Clarkson, Gay Aiken, Carrie Underwood (which I’m thankful for), and that fat black dude. Fair trade-off? I’m not so sure. Even Ms. Underwood has yet to eclipse the “Boys (Remix)” as far as musical prowess is concerned.

Jim: Thats interesting. In any controversy or conspiracy theory, you look to who benefits (Donald Sutherland in ‘JFK’ taught me that)……hence, American Idol is behind it all. Maybe all of it…..the show, the knock-off of Britney from the QAPS perch, everything…..is setting the stage for a Paula Abdul comeback. She could do a comeback tour, and make tons of videos with that cartoon cheetah. And her and Arsenio Hall could rekindle their romance!! It could be 1990 all over again! Break out your IOU sweatshirts and Z-Cavariccis.