Topic of the Week: February 4th, 2008 by idontknowmuch

Britney Spears with her sister and brother

This is a new Feature Section on Every Monday (or Tuesday if we’re too hungover) we will post a back and forth commentary between this blog’s two esteemed writers. This week’s feature: The Spears Family.

Phatty: My first reaction to last week’s Britney drama is just to feel bad for the girl. And I look at her Dad (who looks like he’s 75 years old now) and only think of what it would be like to have her as a daughter. Its probably worse than having a pornstar or stripper in the family. But then I remember she’s still worth $250 million and I remember why we’re here in the first place.

Jim: Dude, I place all of the blame on her father and mother. Britney’s been trained to be the human equivalent of a grizzly bear riding a tricycle since she was 16. ‘You don’t need an education, baby….go out there and make mommy and daddy some coin.’ Then, people are all shocked when she has a breakdown at 25. If I was rich beyond my wildest dreams at 16 and had no parental guidance, I would’ve been dead by 21. I would of tried to buy the world’s supply of Ecstasy. It would of gotten real ugly.

Phatty: I can’t believe you gave yourself 5 years to live. I’d say you would at least have 5 1/2 or 6 good years in you after you hit it rich. And look at Britney? She’s been on a supposed meth binge for the last few years and was just recently committed. You’d just be touching people inappropriately and seeing rainbows and then become really paranoid. Maybe even start hanging out with paparazzi because you don’t have any other real friends…hey wait a minute….

Jim: I wasn’t too into meth. Never tried it, so I can’t speak intelligently on how it affects you. Does it make you not care about your two kids? Perhaps. The better question here is about K-Fed. Isn’t it entirely possible that he’s an evil genius? Look at the facts: he marries Britney when she is at hear absolute hotness peak. He knocks her up a couple times. Then, as the marriage is beginning to show signs of trouble, he introduces meth. (Just a theory). So he gets her hooked on meth, they break up, and suddenly…..he looks like the sane one. He looks like the good parent. And he’s got two little meal tickets in his custody who are entitled to a major portion of Brit’s money. Fucking. Genius.

Phatty: Thats not a bad conspiracy theory, my friend. I guarantee he fucked her mom while she was in a drug-induced coma. He probably knocked up Jaime Lynn, too. And not only does he introduce Britney to meth, but also introduces laxatives as her candy-coated antidote. She’s popping those ten pills a day because she thinks it’ll reverse the effects of the meth she’s addicted to, and all she ends up doing is shitting her brains out. If I took two laxatives I’d be like a freaking Roto Rooter. Let’s just say it would not be pretty.

Jim: Thats a good point about him nailing Brit’s mom. She’s a decent MILF. If you’re married to a woman you don’t really care about, and her mom is batshit nuts and relatively hot for an older broad, then obviously you’re going to hit it. Every younger guy wants an older woman. They are very learned, and by the looks of Brit’s dad, this particuluar older woman hadn’t been treated well. So obviously she is going to run into the arms of a charmer like K-Fed. 45-year old women cannot resist an unshaven, 21 year old wigger. Its science.

Phatty: Or…..its electric. Doo doo doooo da doodoodoo dooo dooooooo and slide. I’m actually kind of worried about KFed’s powers of persuasion. I really don’t know how he waltzed into Britney’s life and took over by storm. Speaking of taking over by storm, I think American Idol has something to do with this. They needed to knock Britney down from the Axis of Music power, and to do so, they disguised a brilliant mastermind as said KFed, wife beater and all, to descend upon the Queen of American Pop Stardom (or QAPS for those of you who are so inclined to use acronyms) and completely ruin her life. All this so the world could have Kelly Clarkson, Gay Aiken, Carrie Underwood (which I’m thankful for), and that fat black dude. Fair trade-off? I’m not so sure. Even Ms. Underwood has yet to eclipse the “Boys (Remix)” as far as musical prowess is concerned.

Jim: Thats interesting. In any controversy or conspiracy theory, you look to who benefits (Donald Sutherland in ‘JFK’ taught me that)……hence, American Idol is behind it all. Maybe all of it…..the show, the knock-off of Britney from the QAPS perch, everything… setting the stage for a Paula Abdul comeback. She could do a comeback tour, and make tons of videos with that cartoon cheetah. And her and Arsenio Hall could rekindle their romance!! It could be 1990 all over again! Break out your IOU sweatshirts and Z-Cavariccis.

Jesus. Christ. Almighty. by idontknowmuch

Last night’s Britney drama is just finally beginning to sink in. We all knew this was going to happen or, even worse, she’d end up dead, but its still unbelievable to watch on TV. This shit is on par with when Princess Diana died as far as media coverage. THE GIRL IS FUCKING OUT OF HER MIND AND HER FAMILY WAITED TOO DAMN LONG TO DO THIS. So let’s recap:

Britney Spears

– Britney apparently has a sleeping condition caused by Aderall and a meth addiction. She’s also been taking up to 10 laxatives a day and hasn’t slept since Saturday. Oh and she said her mom slept with K FEd, too. Sounds about right.

Jamie Spears

– Britney’s dad clearly looks like he’s about 75 years old. You have to feel bad for the guy. And congratulations on finally stepping in and trying to knock out her holder. 

– Have you ready anything on this Osama Lutfi character? His “psycho” resume is like four fucking pages long and I don’t care if 80% of its gossip or not. Someone stab him through the heart.

Lynne Spears

– What kind of mother let’s this shit go on? I know Britney’s old enough to make her own decisions, but she’s obviously not MENTALLY STABLE enough to do so. And you’re not mentally stable enough to slap the shit out of your daughter and get her help (Update: there are reports that Lynne wanted to take Brit to Malibu instead of UCLA. Great mom she is!)

Jamie Lynn Spears

– Jaime Lynn better be taking fucking notes.

Justin Timberlake

– Justin Timberlake has to undoubtedly feel pretty upset about all this, but I’m sure he forgets all about the bullet he dodged when he’s banging Ms. Biel every night.

– Thank you to SOMEONE in Britney’s camp for having the balls to finally get a psychiatrist to go as far as to clear the airspace above Britney’s house so that they could “get her to the hospital safely.” Wait, she wasn’t airlifted? That doesn’t make sense. I’m sure TMZ would have given her a lift for the right price.

Big Package

Oh and the lingo the cops were using (i.e. extracting the “package”) really fooled all those paparazzi. Unless they were coming to my house, the word “package” will probably never have a “bigger” meaning. If you get my drift.   :wink wink:

And my guess is that the guy from Grey’s Anatomy who also checked in because he’s “sleep deprived” was a decoy to keep the media off Britney, too. Problem is no one gives a fuck. Everyone is talking about him being there while his five kids are at home wondering “Where’s daddy? Is he going to pick up the package, too?”