Sorry Folks by idontknowmuch
April 25, 2008, 3:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Both Chris and I (Jim) have not had the time to write much lately. We’ll try to get back to making fun of celebrities, posting pictures of naked chicks, and misunderstanding gossip articles as soon as possible.

‘300’ Star Admits to Pumping Pooch!!! by idontknowmuch


According to Us magazine, after being asked by paparazzi if there was any truth to the rumors that he was dating Cameron Diaz, ‘300’ star Gerard Butler said “If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I’m fucking my dog!”

Dude, they were just asking if you were fucking a leggy Hollywood blonde, who many think is hot (not me, but still). Your response to that is to blurt out that you fuck animals? Whoa. Take it down a notch.

Its like when my wife walks in just after I’ve finished masturbating to tranny porn. “What are you doing?”, she’ll scream. And I’ll say, “Well, I wasn’t jerking it to ‘Boys Who Like Chicks with Dicks: Part 7’ if thats what you’re inferring!” In that case, I went too far. All I had to do was answer “Nothing”.

Just like Gerard here. Next time someone asks you if you’re nailing a Hollywood starlet, just say ‘No.’ Don’t get nervous and divulge your need to screw puppies.

Surprising Turn of Events on ‘Idol’ by idontknowmuch


Michael Johns was eliminated last night, to the shock of just about everyone. While I agree that Johns probably didn’t deserve to be eliminated last night, it is understandable when you think about it. Lets break it down logically.

He really hasn’t wowed the audience in a few weeks. Meanwhile, David Cook has somewhat stolen some of the votes he may have been getting because they are somewhat similar and Cook has been better the last few weeks. Think of it like a political election–certain groups are going to vote for certain candidates. Cook and Johns were both somewhat older, good-looking, rocker types who appealed to a certain audience. While that audience’s votes for Johns and Cook may have been more split in past weeks, the recent success of Cook and the relative poor showing by Johns last week probably caused a lot of those people to switch to Cook, leaving Johns with no ‘voting base’, as it were.

Kristy Lee Cook is the least-talented singer left of the group. I think thats clear. But the thing Kristy has is a defined niche. All the country fans are going to vote for her, and no one else in the competition are going to get the country vote. So she can afford to suck for three or four weeks in a row, because her style is going to appeal to a large group that isn’t voting for anyone else in this competition. Also, it doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty easy on the eyes.

As for the rest of the remaining Idol wannabes, I think its clear that David Archuleta is going to be around until the end. I’m not a big fan of his. But you can’t deny his talent, and he is going to get the ‘screaming-little-girl’ vote from here on out. Jason Castro is probably my second-least favorite singer left; but again, women love him. And women are the ones who are going to vote for this damn thing. So I think he’s going to stick around.

I think it says a lot about the flaws of ‘American Idol’ when yesterday’s bottom three–Syesha
, Michael, and Carly Smithson–were not the three worst pure singers left in the competition. This isn’t a singing competition–its an entertainment contest. People get so upset about the ‘wrong’ person getting voted off because they are a better singer than so-and-so; but they don’t realize this is a popularity contest, not a talent competition.

If I had to choose the bottom three based on talent and entertainment value alone, my picks would be Kristy Lee, Jason, and Syesha, with Kristy Lee getting the boot. But no one is asking me for my opinion. I just write it in a blog.

(Oh, and one more thing… I the only one who thinks Carly’s tatoos are horrible? She would be ridiculously hot if it weren’t for all the ink. Her accent drives me crazy, its so sexy. But all the attention is drawn to that arm. Its like she did time at Folsom or something.)

Hot MILF Calls It Off With That Dude That Died On ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ by idontknowmuch

Mary_Louise_Parker reports that ‘Weeds’ star Mary-Louise Parker has broken off her engagement with co-star Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who is best known for his work on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’:

The pair’s split has been blamed on their “differing lifestyles,” reports the Associated Press, but Parker hopes to remain friends with Morgan.

I don’t know what ‘differing lifestyles’ means, but in my mind when it involves a sexy thing like Mary-Louise, it can only mean that she has decided to go lesbian and have hot, nekkid, lesbian sex with another hot MILF.

Take It Easy, Doogie! You’re Hurtin’ Feelings by idontknowmuch


OK magazine is reporting that ‘How I Met Your Mother’ star Neil Patrick Harris was not a fan of his show’s decision to cast Britney Spears:

“I’m in the minority that feels our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed,” Harris said.

Whoa! ‘Stunt casting’! Well, Britney shouldn’t feel that bad. Harris said the same thing about the initial casting of Max Casella on ‘Doogie Howser, MD’ in 1989. Also, she wasn’ the only one he ripped on during this interview. Look out Sean Hayes!:

“However, there might be some other I worry that if they start ‘Will and Grace’-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. We’re all really proud of the content of the show.”

Holy shit! NPH isn’t leaving anyone alone! Spraying to all fields. To think, a fucking gay dude ripping up ‘Will and Grace’. Whats next? Me criticizing porn? Well, thats not quite the same thing. Was that all Harris said? Hell to the no:

Last Monday, the show introduced a “mystery woman” who warns women not to date the single minded Barney, played by Neil Patrick Harris. When asked who he thinks the network may cast to play the woman, Harris replied, “No telling, but based on the stunt casting we’ve done in the past, I’m guessing Tara Reid.”

Wait one second, you fucking hack. I’ll sit back and let you criticize the casting of Britney Spears. I won’t bat an eyelash when you talk shit about ‘Will and Grace’; but when you start to denigrate a class act and an overall great lady like Tara Reid, the fucking star of ‘Body Shots’ for Christs sakes………I simply won’t stand for it.

I will now discontinue my viewing of ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ Then again, I never watched it in the first place.

Naomi Campbell A Racist, 70s-Era Blaxpotation Character? by idontknowmuch
April 9, 2008, 6:04 pm
Filed under: Jim, Naomi Campbell | Tags: , , ,


After being escorted off a British Airways flight this week and apparently assaulting a police officer, supermodel Naomi Campbell had some parting words for her arresters and the assembled crowd, according to The Sun UK:

Now cops claim she called a WPC a “white ****” and a “white s**g” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs. The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “f***ing white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

“Honkeys?” WTF? Who does she think she is, Dolemite? Other sources tell IDKM that Campbell later called the police “jive turkeys” and told them that she was “gonna let ’em know that Naomi is back on the scene, and that Naomi is my name, and fuckin’ up mothafuckas is my game!”

Honestly, though…..when is someone gonna knock this bitch the fuck out? She’s a 110-pound supermodel from England and she acts like she’s Lennox Lewis, punching people at will. Hopefully her next assault will occur in the states and she gets to meet some real bitches at county. 

Paris Hilton is in Love. With Someone Other than Herself. by idontknowmuch


People magazine is reporting that Paris Hilton, America’s most overused export, is telling everyone she is in love with boyfriend and Good Charlotte group member Benji Madden.

“I’ve never felt so happy and in love,” Hilton wrote in her MySpace celebrity blog. “He’s such an amazing guy and life has never been better.”

The article also claims that Hilton has been touring with Good Charlotte for over a month.

“”It’s so much fun going to their shows every night, I now know every song by heart,” Hilton wrote. “All the guys in the band are so cool and sweet and it’s been such an amazing and memorable experience.”

Wait a minute……Good Charlotte is still on tour? I know I’m getting old, but the last song I remember of theirs having any popularity was released in 2002. And even that sucked.

Also, why is a member of a relatively well-known and successful music group dating Paris Hilton? First of all, she’s corroded with disease. Second of all, shouldn’t this guy be getting his fill of hot groupie ass? Why is he bringing this waste of oxygen on tour with him? Maybe he thinks he has the inside track to marrying her and thus being entitled to a piece of that Hilton fortune.

But Benji… that small chance at money worth having your penis decay and fall off? I think not, my friend. Think this through.

Nick and Vanessa Still Together by idontknowmuch


Us Magazine reports that rumors of a break-up between Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are not true.

The National Enquirer reported that the couple sat in ‘stone silence’ during what appeared to be ‘an argument’ last month. More from the Us article:

“They are 100 percent together and fine and in love,” a source says. “Nick and Vanessa did go to dinner that night but there was no fight. When they got in the car, Vanessa looked annoyed in pictures because she was fixing her eyelash!”

As much as I think Nick Lachey is knee-deep in ass, epecially when hanging out with Matt Leinart, I find the Enquirer’s report of a break-up based on that dinner to be even more laughable than the usual Enquirer fair. Why? Because they say that the two ‘sat in stone silence during what seemed like an argument’. First of all, what kind of argument is that? Two people are mad at each other, and they show that by not talking? Maybe immediately after the argument a couple is silent…..but who is silent during an argument? That makes no sense at all. Second of all, these two have been together for a while; at this point, I’m sure they have nothing left to say to each other. All couples stop talking during dinner at some point. Its common. Honestly, what are these two gonna say to each other?

Nick: You know, I used to fuck Jessica Simpson?
Vanessa: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’ve heard of you. Its the only reason you’re famous, really. We’ve gone over this about 100 times.
Nick: Well, what the fuck have you done? Besides this spread in Maxim and interviewing fucking Vanessa Carlton, what have you contributed to society?
Vanessa: Fuck you!
Nick: Not tonight….I have a date with a threesome of USC cheerleaders. But I’ll call you from the road.

At least, thats how I imagine it in my head.

Brad Pitt Works American Idol by idontknowmuch


Us magazine reports that the scene at this week’s taping of ‘American Idol Gives Back’ was insane, especially when Brad Pitt stopped by to make an appearance.

When the actor, 44, hit the stage at Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, the crowd wouldn’t stop screaming, one attendee tells……Idol floor manager Debbie McVickers stopped the show because the actor’s mic wasn’t working. As she tried to attach his mic, she joked, “I just needed a reason to touch him!” Pitt — whose efforts to rebuild New Orleans were recognized on the show — then erupted out in laughter.

Well no shit. The people in that crowd went apeshit when fucking Sanjaya was “singing” last season; when an honest-to-goodness movie star and icon shows up on the same stage, I’m surprised half of the crowd members’ skulls didn’t explode. Its a miracle that the people in the audience didn’t all experience spontaneous combustion simultaneously.

These People Crazy by idontknowmuch


Bobby Brown’s new autobiography, subtitled The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth, dishes on his marriage with singer Whitney Houston and the destruction they caused in each other’s lives. People reports:

Bobby Brown is dishing on his rocky marriage to Whitney Houston in a new tell-all autobiography – but she’s not letting his accusations affect her…….Whitney’s rep responded in a statement to PEOPLE: “Miss Houston is sad that Bobby feels he need to say such things but she choses to take the high road and will not speak badly about the father of her child even if it’s to set the record straight.”

After reading through some of the already released excerpts, it obvious that this ‘autobiography’ is going to contain some fun little tidbits. Some interesting claims include:

–Brown claims he never used cocaine until he married Whitney in 1992. (When I initially read this, I literally laughed out loud).
–Before he met Houston, Brown says “I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana is my drug of choice.” (You and me both, Panama Red).
–Brown claims that at one point, he used drugs uncontrollably: “I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine.” (OK, so the star of New Edition and a man who’s had his own independent career never did anything but smoke some weed up until he met Whitney Houston? Then, after she corrupted him, he was shooting up and smoking crack basically simultaneously? Wow. Quite the bad influence Whitney is.)
–Brown says that he and Whitney “Got married for the wrong reasons….Whitney had a different agenda for getting married. I believe her agenda was to clean up her image.” (I was alive and relatively sane in 1992; I don’t remember Whitney Houston having any image issues before Bobby Brown, outside of some rumors that she might be a lesbian. So maybe thats what Bobby is alluding to.)

So, lets add it all up folks. Prior to his marriage to Whitney Houston in 1992, Bobby Brown–a member of one of the most successful boy bands of all-time and the owner of a successful solo career–was a church-attending singer who was looking for love and only dabbled in some weed. Meanwhile, Whitney Houston–one of the industry’s biggest talents and the possesser of a spotless image–was secretly looking for a man to marry so she could hide her lesbian life while also getting him addicted to cocaine, crack, and heroin.

I’m sure thats it. You never had a chance, Bobby.

PS–The guy who wrote the book along with Brown is ‘Derrick Handspike’. I loved his scene with Kendra Jade in “Up and Cummers 13: The Squirters.”