My Two Favorite Girls on the O.C. Reality Shows by phattyjboy

Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad

Ahhhh stupid whores. You cannot NOT love them. They are a recurring role in our lives. We all know one or two. Or 47. We all have slept with them. We have all felt a little sorry for them, but then got over it very quickly. But most importantly, they flaunt their whore-bilities around, no matter how much trouble pain press it gets them.

Kristin Cavallari hotness

First, the lovely Kristin Cavallari reportedly began giving out “the best blow-J’s ever” when she was only 13. She taught some girl at a summer camp how to give one on a flash light and thus, a whore is born. I remember being in a Subway when I was 13 and my buddy and his girlfriend got up and both went into the bathroom – together! And I couldn’t believe it. What could they be doing in there? Who wants to see a girl pee? And being the loser that I was, I decided to shoot quarters underneath the door to try and mess up their fun pee-watching time. If I only knew now what I knew then, I’d probably have been a lot more depressed and cried in my BMT Sub.

Audrina Patridge nude photoshoot

And then there’s the lovely Audrina Patridge from “The Hills”. Gotta love this bitch. I’m a sucker for brunettes and there was always something about her that made me think Lauren was a complete waste of my time. I actually had to tell Lauren to stop texting me. She would ask “Are you watching the show right now? You better not TiVo that shit and fast forward to the scenes with Audrina. God damn it, I thought you loved ME!” Dumb bitch just can’t handle a man the right way. We are born to roam, baby.

Anyways, these pictures that have surfaced were supposedly taken right after Audrina finished high school. That makes me very happy because you can look at 18 years olds on the internet. 17 1/2 and they give you a slap on the wrist. Any younger and you’re going to start being called a “sexual predator”. It sounds cooler than it is. She took this pictures to try and get in Playboy. What the hell were they thinking by NOT using them? Tsk tsk, Mr. Hefner. You let us down.

Go HERE to see the complete gallery of Ms. Patridge in all her glory.

This is EXACTLY Why I Love This Show by idontknowmuch

Ellen Valinotti

The Moment of Truth on FOX is on at 9pm EST on Wednesday nights. And if you’re doing anything else besides watching this show every Wednesday, then I can never be friends with you.

Ellen Valinotti, a married mother of four and very attractive, gets asked questions like this:

“Does the thought of getting spanked by an attractive male excite you?”

“While having sex with your husband Darren, have you ever fantasized about a member of the New York Yankees?”

And if you were wondering, she said YES to both of these questions on national television. And she’s getting even hotter and hotter as I watch.

Then the show takes a different turn, which for some odd reason, is still very entertaining to me. Even though I am only watching through my fingers like you did when your female “friend” in high school was changing and she told you to cover your eyes. You know you looked.

“Do you think you are a better mother to your children than your mother was to you?” – YES

“Do you believe that your in-laws have been better parents to you than your own?” – YES

“Have you ever fantasized about having sex with one of your co-workers?” – YES

“Did you invite anyone to your wedding that you previously had sexual relations with?” – YES (Kinky, ain’t she?)

“Do you have any secrets that you believe could end your marriage?” – YES (Stupid whore.)

“Do you believe you will be married to Darren for the rest of your life?” – YES

They took the $100,000 for getting 15 questions right and they will need that money to pay for the divorce lawyers. There are a lot of whores out there, aren’t there? Jesus Christ. I know my future wife will fantasize about athletes and celebrities, but co-workers? I’d probably go postal on that office. Woman are just as bad as men and don’t you ever think otherwise.

Something new we found out this week was that they ask your friends and family a bunch of questions before they give you the lie detector test. I’d kill my friends if they revealed some of this shit about me. Guy code, dude. Guy. Code.

Click HERE to view a recap video of the show. Go HERE if you don’t know anything about the game.

She Looks Decently Decent Here by idontknowmuch

Britney Spears decent

But I still wouldn’t touch her. Unless I was drunk. Really drunk. And high. Shit I better not ever actually go out to a club and see this girl. I’ll be so drunk and high that I might actually touch her. Ohh shit. I’m never going near L.A. again. God damnit. I always attract the psychotic bitches.

::sigh:: It’s my curse.

New American Apparel Ad? by idontknowmuch

Chris Crocker

Their ad people sure do use some very uni-sexual ugly mo fo’s in their ad campaigns. I’m all for sexy pictures of underage-looking girls in their boys underwear, but this just takes it too far.

What the fuck species is this?

More Buseytainment by idontknowmuch

I hate 11 years old, too, Gary. Tell that bitch to speak up and talk slower so you can understand her. Because we all know how fucking coherent your ass is.

Hate hate hate haterade for Gaaaaaarrry Bussssseeeeey!

Fuck PETA by idontknowmuch

Britney Starbucks and her non-fat Spears

PETA wrote to Jamie and Lynne Spears saying that their daughter’s dairy-heavy diet of ice cream and Starbucks may be a contributing factor to her mental health issues, namely her bipolar disorder. They have also said that her cravings for In ‘N’ Out burgers may also contribute to her schizophrenia, as their in linkage between that disease and parasites founded in undercooked meat.

Who the hell is PETA anyways? I want to know who governs them and who makes their decisions because as far as I’m concerned, they’re complete morons. I’m all for ethical treatment of animals, but this has to be an attempt to get publicity off of this. There is no other explanation for this. The bitch doesn’t need to stop eating burgers and drinking Starbuck’s because it is directly affecting her mental health. She needs to stop because thats one of the main reasons she can’t even fit into her jeans anymore. She’s crazy because every male in the country is completely confused as to why they ever drooled over pictures of the girl.

I mean come on. How many girls do you know that drink Starbuck’s and eat hamburgers. They’re all complete sane…….right? Oh shit. PETA may actually be right on this one. Come to think of it, pretty much every girl I know is a complete psychotic. Especially right after they’ve just chugged down their latte. Or had a Wendy’s Jr. bacon cheeseburger. Touche, PETA. Now I have some ammo for when I come home at 4am and get yelled at.

“You had fucking Starbucks today, didn’t you!?! How about a hamburger, fatty? Did you eat a god damn hamburger today?! CHEESEBURGER??? Even better. Both dairy and meat. Go back to sleep, psycho. We’ll talk tomorrow after this shit has run his course. You only get to drink water and eat salads from now on. GO TO SLEEP!”

Meet Hollywood’s Next Teen Whore by idontknowmuch

Miley Cyrus see-through shirt bra

I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. But you heard it here first on You’ll be hearing plenty about things similar to this on our blog. And thats because we feel a responsibility to the public to warn you about jailbait before you become attracted to them. Look at Lindsay Lohan. Or the Olsen trolls. We were just waiting for them to become of age – some of them gave us what we wanted and some of them continue to disappoint – but at least we have some warning.

Oh and burn your computer to the ground after looking at pictures like these. Methinks you might go to jail. And your MySpace page roaming doesn’t help either. They’re 15, asshole. FIF. TEEN.

Lawyer’s Note: The writers of this site do not condone viewing of said picture that has been posted above. It is purely for reference and should not be viewed by anyone older than 17 and one half years of age, depending on your state of residence.