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Paris Hilton is in Love. With Someone Other than Herself. by idontknowmuch

Paris_Hilton_phone_beach

People magazine is reporting that Paris Hilton, America’s most overused export, is telling everyone she is in love with boyfriend and Good Charlotte group member Benji Madden.

“I’ve never felt so happy and in love,” Hilton wrote in her MySpace celebrity blog. “He’s such an amazing guy and life has never been better.”

The article also claims that Hilton has been touring with Good Charlotte for over a month.

“”It’s so much fun going to their shows every night, I now know every song by heart,” Hilton wrote. “All the guys in the band are so cool and sweet and it’s been such an amazing and memorable experience.”

Wait a minute……Good Charlotte is still on tour? I know I’m getting old, but the last song I remember of theirs having any popularity was released in 2002. And even that sucked.

Also, why is a member of a relatively well-known and successful music group dating Paris Hilton? First of all, she’s corroded with disease. Second of all, shouldn’t this guy be getting his fill of hot groupie ass? Why is he bringing this waste of oxygen on tour with him? Maybe he thinks he has the inside track to marrying her and thus being entitled to a piece of that Hilton fortune.

But Benji…..is that small chance at money worth having your penis decay and fall off? I think not, my friend. Think this through.



Topic of the Week: March 10, 2008 – The Bestest Movies of 2008 (so far) by idontknowmuch

Witless Protection

Jim: I just wanted to do something a little different with the Topic of the Week. Too often you and I are down on people or on Hollywood as a whole. This week, I want to give all kinds of ‘props’, as the kids say, to the studios and moviemakers for what has been an already awesome 2008. I mean, the Academy should just vote for next year’s Oscars now with all the awesome films that have come out in the last 2 plus months. First on that list, at least for me, is “Witless Protection”. This film, which came out on February 22, stars Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy. The hilarious and not at all mind-numbing Cable Guy stars as a sheriff who witnesses a crime and then gets involved in all types of hijinks! Let me tell you one thing right now…..when I think of fantastic comedic duos in history, only a few names come up: Laurel and Hardy; Abbott and Costello; Schindler and his list. Add Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy to that list, my friends.

The Hottie and the Nottie

Phatty: Jenny McCarthy has been on my list since Scary Movie 3. Cinematic gem? I think so. Now as long as we’re doing a Best of 2008 movie’s list in the first week of March, we have to mention “The Hottie and the Nottie”. Another cinematic masterpiece that not many people know about. I have a feeling once people get past that lazy eye, they’ll open a world of acting wonder that they never knew could exist. Best Supporting Actress should go to Ms. Hilton’s co-star, Christine Lakin. She gave so much herself in this role. She knew that she was much more attractive and a better actress, yet she somehow dumbed herself down and made herself into the Nottie better than anyone else could. You could really tell that the average 28 people who viewed this motion picture in theaters nationwide were moved by these two talented girls performances. Wait…..where the hell am I? What just happened? This must be how Will Ferrell felt on the debate team in “Old School”.

Step Up 2 The Streets

Jim: While “The Hottie and the Nottie” was a true cinematic gem, I think a lot of people are missing the best trend to happen to Hollywood since the emergence of mob movies in the 70s. I’m speaking, of course, of the newest wave of dance contest movies. The best of all of these is the special “Step Up 2 the Streets”, starring……uh…….some dudes and some chicks. First of all, you know its good because there is a number in the title instead of the word ‘to’; the old fogies like Roger Ebert don’t understand what it means to the younger generation to use numbers instead of letters. Secondly, the tagline for the film is ‘Its not where you’re from…..its where you’re at.’ I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. Its a life lesson and marketing tool in one!

College Road Trip

Phatty: And we all know that life lessons that are also marketing tools is what makes the movie business run. I also want to nominate both “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” and “College Road Trip.” I’ve missed Martin Lawrence since the last thing I can remember him in was “Bad Boys II” and he’s such a great actor. He absolutely killed Will Smith as far as acting goes, and we all know how good Hitch is. College Road Trip might make an early run for “Best Comedic Performance of Our Generation” and “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” can (somehow) be compared as the latter day “Saving Private Ryan.” Don’t see the connection? Well then you haven’t seen the movie. The beaches of Normandy never saw the chaos and havoc of a Jenkin’s family reunion.

Fool’s Gold

Jim: Thats some quality entertainment right there, my friend. I didn’t see ‘Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins’, but I heard that the scene with Lawrence’s fight with Mo’Nique was the best comedian-fights-big-black-lady scene since the 1988 Eddie Murphy-Della Reese tilt in ‘Harlem Nights.’ And I know you love Martin, but when youre talking severely underappreciated actors, the discussion begins and ends with Matthew McConaughey, the star of last month’s ‘Fools Gold.’ Not even Kate Hudson’s adorable and totally bangable ass could sway me from admiring the true genius of Wooderson in this role. It truly was the role he was born to play: shirtless doofus who is on the trail of a buried treasure. I know what some are thinking: Hey….dude takes a spoiled, pretty princess-type along with him on a hunt for treasure–is this ‘Romancing the Stone’ all over again? And to answer that question I say, ‘Go fuck yourself, dad, and make me some chimichangas.’

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Mulgrath

Phatty: Speaking of chimichangas, did you check out Nick Nolte’s supporting role in “The Spiderwick Chronicles”? He played a character named “Mulgrath” who plans to steal the children’s souls and smoke them (I’m pretty sure thats what he did, but I also only went to the see the movie because I was high). Its actually not fair to praise Mr. Nolte for this tour de force performance since he does steal children’s souls in real life. Don’t believe me? Do you remember Katherine Heigel in “My Father, The Hero”? Who else would film a scene in which their teenage daughter wears a thong to the pool……wait, that was Nick Nolte wasn’t it? Oh shit. That was Gerard Depardieu. Damn it. Ohhhh now I remember! It was Lorenzo’s Oil. Definitely stole his son’s soul. Who saves lives with olive oil? Nick Nolte’s manipulative ass, thats who.



Pharaoh’s Tomb? by idontknowmuch
February 28, 2008, 11:46 am
Filed under: Kate Beckinsale, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton

Kate Beckinsale

The always lovely Kate Beckinsale gave an interview to Allure magazine, and let’s just say she wasn’t being very lovely. When asked about her love life and previous relationships, she responded:

“I’ve only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh’s Tomb!”

Then when asked what her greatest physical asset was, this is what she had to say:

“My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I’m told it is spectacular. But you can’t really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?” she giggled before silently mouthing the words ‘My twat’ at the interviewer.

Let me just say this. I want to be in the fucking room next time Kate Beckinsale leans over to a reporter and mouths the word “twat.” I have a hard time believing that ever happened, but looking back on her responses during this interview, I’d have to say she might be a closet freak. Who tells a national publication like Allure magazine that their best physical feature is their vagina? Lindsay and Paris wouldn’t even say that, even though we both know everyone in Hollywood has had a go with them and the only reason guys talk to them is because of their pharaoh’s tombs. However, its not like you have to be Indiana Jones to gain access to those tombs. You could probably tell a knock knock joke and by the time you were finished, they’d be in a doggy-style stance and asking you what’s taking so long.