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Topic of the Week: March 10, 2008 – The Bestest Movies of 2008 (so far) by idontknowmuch

Witless Protection

Jim: I just wanted to do something a little different with the Topic of the Week. Too often you and I are down on people or on Hollywood as a whole. This week, I want to give all kinds of ‘props’, as the kids say, to the studios and moviemakers for what has been an already awesome 2008. I mean, the Academy should just vote for next year’s Oscars now with all the awesome films that have come out in the last 2 plus months. First on that list, at least for me, is “Witless Protection”. This film, which came out on February 22, stars Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy. The hilarious and not at all mind-numbing Cable Guy stars as a sheriff who witnesses a crime and then gets involved in all types of hijinks! Let me tell you one thing right now…..when I think of fantastic comedic duos in history, only a few names come up: Laurel and Hardy; Abbott and Costello; Schindler and his list. Add Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy to that list, my friends.

The Hottie and the Nottie

Phatty: Jenny McCarthy has been on my list since Scary Movie 3. Cinematic gem? I think so. Now as long as we’re doing a Best of 2008 movie’s list in the first week of March, we have to mention “The Hottie and the Nottie”. Another cinematic masterpiece that not many people know about. I have a feeling once people get past that lazy eye, they’ll open a world of acting wonder that they never knew could exist. Best Supporting Actress should go to Ms. Hilton’s co-star, Christine Lakin. She gave so much herself in this role. She knew that she was much more attractive and a better actress, yet she somehow dumbed herself down and made herself into the Nottie better than anyone else could. You could really tell that the average 28 people who viewed this motion picture in theaters nationwide were moved by these two talented girls performances. Wait…..where the hell am I? What just happened? This must be how Will Ferrell felt on the debate team in “Old School”.

Step Up 2 The Streets

Jim: While “The Hottie and the Nottie” was a true cinematic gem, I think a lot of people are missing the best trend to happen to Hollywood since the emergence of mob movies in the 70s. I’m speaking, of course, of the newest wave of dance contest movies. The best of all of these is the special “Step Up 2 the Streets”, starring……uh…….some dudes and some chicks. First of all, you know its good because there is a number in the title instead of the word ‘to’; the old fogies like Roger Ebert don’t understand what it means to the younger generation to use numbers instead of letters. Secondly, the tagline for the film is ‘Its not where you’re from…..its where you’re at.’ I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. Its a life lesson and marketing tool in one!

College Road Trip

Phatty: And we all know that life lessons that are also marketing tools is what makes the movie business run. I also want to nominate both “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” and “College Road Trip.” I’ve missed Martin Lawrence since the last thing I can remember him in was “Bad Boys II” and he’s such a great actor. He absolutely killed Will Smith as far as acting goes, and we all know how good Hitch is. College Road Trip might make an early run for “Best Comedic Performance of Our Generation” and “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” can (somehow) be compared as the latter day “Saving Private Ryan.” Don’t see the connection? Well then you haven’t seen the movie. The beaches of Normandy never saw the chaos and havoc of a Jenkin’s family reunion.

Fool’s Gold

Jim: Thats some quality entertainment right there, my friend. I didn’t see ‘Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins’, but I heard that the scene with Lawrence’s fight with Mo’Nique was the best comedian-fights-big-black-lady scene since the 1988 Eddie Murphy-Della Reese tilt in ‘Harlem Nights.’ And I know you love Martin, but when youre talking severely underappreciated actors, the discussion begins and ends with Matthew McConaughey, the star of last month’s ‘Fools Gold.’ Not even Kate Hudson’s adorable and totally bangable ass could sway me from admiring the true genius of Wooderson in this role. It truly was the role he was born to play: shirtless doofus who is on the trail of a buried treasure. I know what some are thinking: Hey….dude takes a spoiled, pretty princess-type along with him on a hunt for treasure–is this ‘Romancing the Stone’ all over again? And to answer that question I say, ‘Go fuck yourself, dad, and make me some chimichangas.’

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Mulgrath

Phatty: Speaking of chimichangas, did you check out Nick Nolte’s supporting role in “The Spiderwick Chronicles”? He played a character named “Mulgrath” who plans to steal the children’s souls and smoke them (I’m pretty sure thats what he did, but I also only went to the see the movie because I was high). Its actually not fair to praise Mr. Nolte for this tour de force performance since he does steal children’s souls in real life. Don’t believe me? Do you remember Katherine Heigel in “My Father, The Hero”? Who else would film a scene in which their teenage daughter wears a thong to the pool……wait, that was Nick Nolte wasn’t it? Oh shit. That was Gerard Depardieu. Damn it. Ohhhh now I remember! It was Lorenzo’s Oil. Definitely stole his son’s soul. Who saves lives with olive oil? Nick Nolte’s manipulative ass, thats who.



Say It Ain’t So, Izzie! by idontknowmuch

Katherine Heigl/Dr. Izzie Stevens

The National Enquirer’s new issue claims:

After starring in the hit films Knocked Up and 27 Dresses, Katherine believes she has outgrown the small screen – and her agent is working overtime so she can devote herself full time to movies, sources say. “Katherine has even suggested to ‘Grey’s’ producers that they kill her character Dr. Izzie Stevens in dramatic fashion so her exit could bring in huge ratings,” a pal of the 29-year-old Emmy winner told The Enquirer. Newly married to rocker Josh Kelley and riding high on her box-office appeal, Katherine has formed a production company with her mother Nancy, whos her manager, and she’s being swamped with movie offers, said the pal. But leaving “Grey’s Will be an uphill battle because her contract with Touchstone and ABC is ironclad for the next two years, according to another source.

Honest;y, she’s probably doing the right thing. Grey’s is kind of going downhill. I know this shows are supposed to be about drama and the ER and they use sex to lure in viewers, but they honestly have everyone sleep with everyone. And then they make up characters just to throw an interesting plot twist. Next we’ll find out Meredith’s real father is the Chief and she’s part black and they’ll bring the racist black doctor back and they’ll hook up and then Christina and McDreamy will get it on right in front of everyone at the bar across the street. We get it. Hospitals are hard places to work in and everyone’s with each other 19 hours a day so they don’t have anyone else to bang anyways. We learned that from “ER” in the 90’s.

Katherine should have her character killed off, get some major publicity, and then try to become an accomplished movie actress. I think she did a good job in “Knocked Up”, but do I see her playing anything but gag comedy roles or shitty romantic comedies? Nope. Just keep playing the same character until we hate you and then go get fat with Josh and enjoy your millions. Maybe we’ll hear from you in 10 years when you lose all the weight and decide to do Playboy. That would be generous of you.