IDontKnowMuch.com


Let’s See What We Can Do by idontknowmuch

Us Magazine is reporting that Scarlett Johannson is auctioning the opportunity to accompany her to the opening of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ in June. All proceeds will go to Oxfam:

The eBay auction, which launched this morning, so far lists the highest bidder as $10.50…….The winner gets to attend the L.A. premiere of Johansson’s movie He’s Just Not That Into You with the star in June. They’ll get a chauffeured car for the event and take home a hand-written note from the actress.

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Anyone that knows me also knows my affection for Ms. Johansson. So, lets see what we can put together: I currently have 1 dollar in my wallet. OK. I have approximately $214 in my checking account. I could max out my two credit cards for about 25 grand. I could sell my car for about another 9 g’s. So that makes about $30,000-$35,000. If need be, I could also be contracted to murder some people for a few grand a piece. (Not really, FBI spies. Hi!)

Now…..should I risk it all–my financial life, my credit score, my marriage, all that crap–for a chance at ScarJo? I mean, I’m guessing the winner will maybe shake Scarlett’s hand, pose for a picture or two, and then be sitting far, far away from the goddess during the premiere and after-party. So its probably not worth it.

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But remember that rumor about Scarlett and Benicio del Toro in the elevator after the Oscars a few years ago? What if I’m able to throw down some of my famous lame charm and I’m looking good like a human man that night, and Scarlett thinks it would be hot to go slumming a bit, you know……to give a big ‘Fuck You!’ to the Hollywood pretty boys like Josh Hartnett and Abe Vigoda? That would be worth the $30 grand. Yeah…..it could happen!

Then, after the party and ensuing sex, we could hop into my spaceship that I made out of old refrigerator boxes and egg cartons, and we could fly all the way to Cyblor X-17, one of the moons of the as yet undiscovered planet Craptron. From there, I would call President-elect Nader and tell him that Scarlett and I would be establishing a colony where all regular, blog-writing doofuses (doofi?) could come with their number 1 crush. Yeah….thats just as realistic.