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Surprising Turn of Events on ‘Idol’ by idontknowmuch

Michael_Johns

Michael Johns was eliminated last night, to the shock of just about everyone. While I agree that Johns probably didn’t deserve to be eliminated last night, it is understandable when you think about it. Lets break it down logically.

He really hasn’t wowed the audience in a few weeks. Meanwhile, David Cook has somewhat stolen some of the votes he may have been getting because they are somewhat similar and Cook has been better the last few weeks. Think of it like a political election–certain groups are going to vote for certain candidates. Cook and Johns were both somewhat older, good-looking, rocker types who appealed to a certain audience. While that audience’s votes for Johns and Cook may have been more split in past weeks, the recent success of Cook and the relative poor showing by Johns last week probably caused a lot of those people to switch to Cook, leaving Johns with no ‘voting base’, as it were.

Kristy Lee Cook is the least-talented singer left of the group. I think thats clear. But the thing Kristy has is a defined niche. All the country fans are going to vote for her, and no one else in the competition are going to get the country vote. So she can afford to suck for three or four weeks in a row, because her style is going to appeal to a large group that isn’t voting for anyone else in this competition. Also, it doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty easy on the eyes.

As for the rest of the remaining Idol wannabes, I think its clear that David Archuleta is going to be around until the end. I’m not a big fan of his. But you can’t deny his talent, and he is going to get the ‘screaming-little-girl’ vote from here on out. Jason Castro is probably my second-least favorite singer left; but again, women love him. And women are the ones who are going to vote for this damn thing. So I think he’s going to stick around.

I think it says a lot about the flaws of ‘American Idol’ when yesterday’s bottom three–Syesha
Mercado
, Michael, and Carly Smithson–were not the three worst pure singers left in the competition. This isn’t a singing competition–its an entertainment contest. People get so upset about the ‘wrong’ person getting voted off because they are a better singer than so-and-so; but they don’t realize this is a popularity contest, not a talent competition.

If I had to choose the bottom three based on talent and entertainment value alone, my picks would be Kristy Lee, Jason, and Syesha, with Kristy Lee getting the boot. But no one is asking me for my opinion. I just write it in a blog.

(Oh, and one more thing…..am I the only one who thinks Carly’s tatoos are horrible? She would be ridiculously hot if it weren’t for all the ink. Her accent drives me crazy, its so sexy. But all the attention is drawn to that arm. Its like she did time at Folsom or something.)



Brad Pitt Works American Idol by idontknowmuch

 Brad_Pitt

Us magazine reports that the scene at this week’s taping of ‘American Idol Gives Back’ was insane, especially when Brad Pitt stopped by to make an appearance.

When the actor, 44, hit the stage at Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, the crowd wouldn’t stop screaming, one attendee tells Usmagazine.com……Idol floor manager Debbie McVickers stopped the show because the actor’s mic wasn’t working. As she tried to attach his mic, she joked, “I just needed a reason to touch him!” Pitt — whose efforts to rebuild New Orleans were recognized on the show — then erupted out in laughter.

Well no shit. The people in that crowd went apeshit when fucking Sanjaya was “singing” last season; when an honest-to-goodness movie star and icon shows up on the same stage, I’m surprised half of the crowd members’ skulls didn’t explode. Its a miracle that the people in the audience didn’t all experience spontaneous combustion simultaneously.



Reality TV More Dangerous Than Regular TV by idontknowmuch

David_Cook

Reports are that two of reality television’s biggest stars at the moment–‘American Idol’ finalist David Cook and ‘Dancing with the Stars’ cast member Derek Hough–were both taken to the hospital in the last few days.

Derek_Hough

Cook was taken to a nearby hospital for high blood pressure, but assured everyone last night that it wasn’t serious and that he would be fine. Hough apparently suffered a minor neck injury during rehearsals, but did not require an overnight hospital stay and should be fine for the rest of the season with partner, Shannon Elizabeth.

I’m not going to rag on Cook because he’s been my pick to win Idol since the finalists were dwindled down to 24; it would be good if the winner wasn’t a ballad-centric singer, for once. While Hough seems somewhat goofy and his almost too well-crafted good looks bug me a bit, he’s harmless and IDKM hopes he is OK, if only to ensure Shannon continues on the show. But it probably won’t happen because no matter how good a dancer the hot chick is, she always gets voted off early…..meanwhile, the annoying as hell Broadway star stays on even though she can’t dance to save her life. Wonder why.)

One thing I will say about Derek is that his sister, fellow DWTS cast member Julianne, is the epitome of cute. Believe me, I would love to be able to write and say dirty, dirty things about her, but she’s too cute. I’d feel weird about it, like I was fantasizing about a little sister. I just kind of want to put her in my pocket and carry her around.

Who am I kidding? I’d still absolutely wreck it. But I’d want to take her out for dinner after, instead of the normal thing I say to women after sex: ‘Heres your $200 dollars now leave me be so I can cry myself to sleep’.



Ooooo…..This Is Awkward by idontknowmuch

David_Archuleta

OK Magazine is reporting that American Idol favorite David Archuleta has disappointing news for his many young female fans:

Millions of young hearts broke on Tuesday night when a mystery lady appeared in the American Idol audience with David Archuleta’s family. The finalist even hinted live on air that he hopes the shy brunette is going to be his prom date.

Well, just because he might want a certain girl to be his prom date doesn’t mean David’s fans should think that they have less of a chance with him, right? Lets look further into the article:

Just three weeks ago, David told the myFox Boston website that he’s still too young to have a girlfriend……..”I’m not really worried about getting a girlfriend,” he said. “I’m still too young for that”.

Well, thats perfectly normal. While most 17-year old guys think ONLY of sex, some are late bloomers who are focused on other things. Yes, I’m sure thats it. Well, lets be sure:

But it’s apparently not so for his younger siblings back in Utah. “My brothers and sisters, on the other hand, all have boyfriends and girlfriends,” David said. “I guess I’m weird!”

Ahhh. I see. Yes, that is what you are……..”weird.” You know, I’ve watched the show and noticed that David is, how you say, somewhat soft. Now that I hear he isn’t interested in a girlfriend at 17, even though he could be knee-deep in underage ass if he wanted…….yeah, folks, this dude is gay. He’s Clay Aiken part II.



No Shit by phattyjboy

Amanda Overmyer mugshot

We can’t get through a season of American Idol without finding some dirt on one of the contestants. Of course that is no surprise. These people are trying to make it in the music industry and are going on a reality television show to do so. Most are obviously attention-seeking and/or starved and need to feel good about themselves. So its no wonder that we find naked pictures of one contestant. I’m surprised thats not a prerequisite for getting on the show. Amanda Overmyer already has a DUI announced to the entire world. Then there’s that other guy who was a gay stripper or some shit. And I’m sure all the other chicks got naked as hell in college and are on the internet somewhere. All this shit just keeps moving the Idol machine.

Which is fine by me. It provides entertainment and while I cannot stand to watch people emberrass themselves on live TV (weird, right?), I do appreciate the embarrassment of naked pictures on the internet for the entire world to see. This chick will have kids someday and she’ll be none as the American Idol contestant that the nation asked this question about:

Does her skunk carpet match the drapes?

I guess we’ll have to wait to find out, and then look away in embarrassment disgust horror.



My Favorite Idol is Married to a Pedophile by idontknowmuch

Katherine McPhee

Damn you, McPhee. We had a fucking deal. I was going to console you after your CD didn’t work out, you’d dump THIS GUY because he was old enough to be your dad, and we would live out our days as two Irish drunks. Buuuuut noooooo you had to go and marry this douchebag. And you know why? 97.2% of girls that are famous have daddy issues. Its like the fact they didn’t have a father around fuels their need to get famous and make money. Where did I such an accurate fact you ask? Wikipedia. That shit has answers for everything.

BTW I have no idea if my Kit Kat had her daddy around or not, but he must not have done a great job if she’s marrying a 42 year old at 23 years of age. Oh and fuck you for telling me you were a virgin. I can’t believe I fell for that shit again. You’ve been around the block more times than that weird tree cult I posted about last week. Again, true story.

Booty comparison: THEN and NOW (because I don’t care about people seeing my Kitty Kat anymore):

Katherine McPhee’s bootay comparison

Are they getting married because she’s secretly pregnant? Stay tuned to IDKM for the answer at 5!



Topic of the Week: February 4th, 2008 by idontknowmuch

Britney Spears with her sister and brother

This is a new Feature Section on idontknowmuch.com. Every Monday (or Tuesday if we’re too hungover) we will post a back and forth commentary between this blog’s two esteemed writers. This week’s feature: The Spears Family.

Phatty: My first reaction to last week’s Britney drama is just to feel bad for the girl. And I look at her Dad (who looks like he’s 75 years old now) and only think of what it would be like to have her as a daughter. Its probably worse than having a pornstar or stripper in the family. But then I remember she’s still worth $250 million and I remember why we’re here in the first place.

Jim: Dude, I place all of the blame on her father and mother. Britney’s been trained to be the human equivalent of a grizzly bear riding a tricycle since she was 16. ‘You don’t need an education, baby….go out there and make mommy and daddy some coin.’ Then, people are all shocked when she has a breakdown at 25. If I was rich beyond my wildest dreams at 16 and had no parental guidance, I would’ve been dead by 21. I would of tried to buy the world’s supply of Ecstasy. It would of gotten real ugly.

Phatty: I can’t believe you gave yourself 5 years to live. I’d say you would at least have 5 1/2 or 6 good years in you after you hit it rich. And look at Britney? She’s been on a supposed meth binge for the last few years and was just recently committed. You’d just be touching people inappropriately and seeing rainbows and then become really paranoid. Maybe even start hanging out with paparazzi because you don’t have any other real friends…hey wait a minute….

Jim: I wasn’t too into meth. Never tried it, so I can’t speak intelligently on how it affects you. Does it make you not care about your two kids? Perhaps. The better question here is about K-Fed. Isn’t it entirely possible that he’s an evil genius? Look at the facts: he marries Britney when she is at hear absolute hotness peak. He knocks her up a couple times. Then, as the marriage is beginning to show signs of trouble, he introduces meth. (Just a theory). So he gets her hooked on meth, they break up, and suddenly…..he looks like the sane one. He looks like the good parent. And he’s got two little meal tickets in his custody who are entitled to a major portion of Brit’s money. Fucking. Genius.

Phatty: Thats not a bad conspiracy theory, my friend. I guarantee he fucked her mom while she was in a drug-induced coma. He probably knocked up Jaime Lynn, too. And not only does he introduce Britney to meth, but also introduces laxatives as her candy-coated antidote. She’s popping those ten pills a day because she thinks it’ll reverse the effects of the meth she’s addicted to, and all she ends up doing is shitting her brains out. If I took two laxatives I’d be like a freaking Roto Rooter. Let’s just say it would not be pretty.

Jim: Thats a good point about him nailing Brit’s mom. She’s a decent MILF. If you’re married to a woman you don’t really care about, and her mom is batshit nuts and relatively hot for an older broad, then obviously you’re going to hit it. Every younger guy wants an older woman. They are very learned, and by the looks of Brit’s dad, this particuluar older woman hadn’t been treated well. So obviously she is going to run into the arms of a charmer like K-Fed. 45-year old women cannot resist an unshaven, 21 year old wigger. Its science.

Phatty: Or…..its electric. Doo doo doooo da doodoodoo dooo dooooooo and slide. I’m actually kind of worried about KFed’s powers of persuasion. I really don’t know how he waltzed into Britney’s life and took over by storm. Speaking of taking over by storm, I think American Idol has something to do with this. They needed to knock Britney down from the Axis of Music power, and to do so, they disguised a brilliant mastermind as said KFed, wife beater and all, to descend upon the Queen of American Pop Stardom (or QAPS for those of you who are so inclined to use acronyms) and completely ruin her life. All this so the world could have Kelly Clarkson, Gay Aiken, Carrie Underwood (which I’m thankful for), and that fat black dude. Fair trade-off? I’m not so sure. Even Ms. Underwood has yet to eclipse the “Boys (Remix)” as far as musical prowess is concerned.

Jim: Thats interesting. In any controversy or conspiracy theory, you look to who benefits (Donald Sutherland in ‘JFK’ taught me that)……hence, American Idol is behind it all. Maybe all of it…..the show, the knock-off of Britney from the QAPS perch, everything…..is setting the stage for a Paula Abdul comeback. She could do a comeback tour, and make tons of videos with that cartoon cheetah. And her and Arsenio Hall could rekindle their romance!! It could be 1990 all over again! Break out your IOU sweatshirts and Z-Cavariccis.