I’m Too Hungover to Type by idontknowmuch

St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Topic of the Week will be one that you discuss amongst yourselves. Share your favorite St. Patty’s drunken stories. I have to see if my cousin is still breathing. He inhaled what looked to be a log of corned beef.


Topic of the Week: March 10, 2008 – The Bestest Movies of 2008 (so far) by idontknowmuch

Witless Protection

Jim: I just wanted to do something a little different with the Topic of the Week. Too often you and I are down on people or on Hollywood as a whole. This week, I want to give all kinds of ‘props’, as the kids say, to the studios and moviemakers for what has been an already awesome 2008. I mean, the Academy should just vote for next year’s Oscars now with all the awesome films that have come out in the last 2 plus months. First on that list, at least for me, is “Witless Protection”. This film, which came out on February 22, stars Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy. The hilarious and not at all mind-numbing Cable Guy stars as a sheriff who witnesses a crime and then gets involved in all types of hijinks! Let me tell you one thing right now…..when I think of fantastic comedic duos in history, only a few names come up: Laurel and Hardy; Abbott and Costello; Schindler and his list. Add Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy to that list, my friends.

The Hottie and the Nottie

Phatty: Jenny McCarthy has been on my list since Scary Movie 3. Cinematic gem? I think so. Now as long as we’re doing a Best of 2008 movie’s list in the first week of March, we have to mention “The Hottie and the Nottie”. Another cinematic masterpiece that not many people know about. I have a feeling once people get past that lazy eye, they’ll open a world of acting wonder that they never knew could exist. Best Supporting Actress should go to Ms. Hilton’s co-star, Christine Lakin. She gave so much herself in this role. She knew that she was much more attractive and a better actress, yet she somehow dumbed herself down and made herself into the Nottie better than anyone else could. You could really tell that the average 28 people who viewed this motion picture in theaters nationwide were moved by these two talented girls performances. Wait…..where the hell am I? What just happened? This must be how Will Ferrell felt on the debate team in “Old School”.

Step Up 2 The Streets

Jim: While “The Hottie and the Nottie” was a true cinematic gem, I think a lot of people are missing the best trend to happen to Hollywood since the emergence of mob movies in the 70s. I’m speaking, of course, of the newest wave of dance contest movies. The best of all of these is the special “Step Up 2 the Streets”, starring……uh…….some dudes and some chicks. First of all, you know its good because there is a number in the title instead of the word ‘to’; the old fogies like Roger Ebert don’t understand what it means to the younger generation to use numbers instead of letters. Secondly, the tagline for the film is ‘Its not where you’re from…..its where you’re at.’ I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. Its a life lesson and marketing tool in one!

College Road Trip

Phatty: And we all know that life lessons that are also marketing tools is what makes the movie business run. I also want to nominate both “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” and “College Road Trip.” I’ve missed Martin Lawrence since the last thing I can remember him in was “Bad Boys II” and he’s such a great actor. He absolutely killed Will Smith as far as acting goes, and we all know how good Hitch is. College Road Trip might make an early run for “Best Comedic Performance of Our Generation” and “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” can (somehow) be compared as the latter day “Saving Private Ryan.” Don’t see the connection? Well then you haven’t seen the movie. The beaches of Normandy never saw the chaos and havoc of a Jenkin’s family reunion.

Fool’s Gold

Jim: Thats some quality entertainment right there, my friend. I didn’t see ‘Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins’, but I heard that the scene with Lawrence’s fight with Mo’Nique was the best comedian-fights-big-black-lady scene since the 1988 Eddie Murphy-Della Reese tilt in ‘Harlem Nights.’ And I know you love Martin, but when youre talking severely underappreciated actors, the discussion begins and ends with Matthew McConaughey, the star of last month’s ‘Fools Gold.’ Not even Kate Hudson’s adorable and totally bangable ass could sway me from admiring the true genius of Wooderson in this role. It truly was the role he was born to play: shirtless doofus who is on the trail of a buried treasure. I know what some are thinking: Hey….dude takes a spoiled, pretty princess-type along with him on a hunt for treasure–is this ‘Romancing the Stone’ all over again? And to answer that question I say, ‘Go fuck yourself, dad, and make me some chimichangas.’

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Mulgrath

Phatty: Speaking of chimichangas, did you check out Nick Nolte’s supporting role in “The Spiderwick Chronicles”? He played a character named “Mulgrath” who plans to steal the children’s souls and smoke them (I’m pretty sure thats what he did, but I also only went to the see the movie because I was high). Its actually not fair to praise Mr. Nolte for this tour de force performance since he does steal children’s souls in real life. Don’t believe me? Do you remember Katherine Heigel in “My Father, The Hero”? Who else would film a scene in which their teenage daughter wears a thong to the pool……wait, that was Nick Nolte wasn’t it? Oh shit. That was Gerard Depardieu. Damn it. Ohhhh now I remember! It was Lorenzo’s Oil. Definitely stole his son’s soul. Who saves lives with olive oil? Nick Nolte’s manipulative ass, thats who.

Topic of the Week: March 4th, 2008 by idontknowmuch

Sparked by recent pictures of Marisa Tomei and Drew Barrymore, this week’s “Topic of the Week” will focus on older women/MILF’s who we may have thought were hot years ago and just realized they didn’t really stop being hot. Especially for their age.

Marisa Tomei

Phatty: Those screen caps of Marisa Tomei that we posted before were very excite. I like-a you! I don’t really think I ever thought Ms. Tomei was THAT hot, but she’s definitely ridiculous for being 43 years old. All around she impressed me and I actually felt sorry that Philip Seymour Hoffman’s ass was sweating all over her. They must have paid her millions just for that scene. Another surprise is definitely Drew Barrymore. This one is a little different for me because I don’t really think she’s that attractive, but she still has a pretty nice body for being 33 years old. And does anyone remember Jennifer Tilly? I don’t think I ever really forgot about her (who can forget that sex line operator voice), but she turns 50 this year and god bless her for still bringing the twins out. Granted she only makes appearances at poker tournaments, but I’d still think she was just as hot as many of the 30 years actresses/models/etc out there.

Diane Lane

Jim: I’m going to blow your mind on this one, Panama Red. Sure I could go with some 30-40 year olds and call them “older”, but since I’m 30 thats not really true. You saying that Drew Barrymore has a “pretty nice body for being 33 years old” makes me want to jump in front of a bus. And Im not even a woman. I think the MILF team begins and ends with Diane Lane. She is so unbelievably hot. Those scenes in “Irresistable” or “Inscrutable” or whatever that movie with Richard Gere was called were awesome, especially the one in the bathroom. But Lane is only 40 or so. You wanna talk about older women who still bring the fastball? Prepare to have your mind blown…….Helen Mirren. Yeah. Stew on that for a minute, sonny. I think she’s like 60. If you can find a woman who played Queen Elizabeth attractive, then you are truly a lover of the older women.

Helen Mirren is old

Phatty: Just because you’re 30 doesn’t mean that I can’t call people in their 30’s and 40’s “older.” They are older. Older than me. Older than 90% of the girls that we post pictures of everyday. Older than the girls who don’t wear panties to the club, or if they too don’t wear panties, we at least don’t hear about it.You would probably say “Thats because they’re wiser” but I would come back with “Yes, OLDER and wiser”. You’re move, my friend. (And if there are crotch shots of Helen Mirren out there, this blog is definitely not going to link to that gallery. I’d rather punch a puppy right in the face than view pictures of Queen Elizabeth’s “area.”)

Courtney Cox

Jim: Oh, look who’s too good to oogle a 63 year old lady who looks like THIS (NSFW). OK, maybe she doesnt look like this now, but she did at one point. And those boobs are still there. Well, just a bit south. But back to the original point of the post. Drew Barrymore is neither hot or older, at least to me. To be a ‘hot older woman’, you have to be at least 40. Another one for my list? Courteney Cox. 43 years old, and she might be hotter now than when ‘Friends’ started in 1994.

Monica Bellucci

Phatty: To be totally honest, I included Drew Barrymore in this list because before I looked her up on IMDB, I thought she was like 48 years old. Thats probably because she’s been in movies since she came out of the womb and also because I’ve never thought she was hot either. Except that these pictures are decent and getting some blog rotation so hey, shameless name dropping here is fine. Deal with it. As far as Courtney Cox, she definitely plays up her sexiness on “Dirt”. Did you see the scene last season where she diddled herself? Definitely hotter than seeing both her and Rachel kiss in another episode, or appear on Friends together for year and years. But let’s get back to your “Over 40 Hot Crowd”. What about Monica Bellucci? She’s not afraid to show the twins (and more) at 43 years old and I’m all for it.

Jami Gertz

Jim: Oh, she’s definitely on the team. And yeah….she’s been naked in just about every movie she’s ever been in. So thats good. Ya know who else I love? Jami Gertz. A Chicagoan and 42 years old, Jami was awesome in the mid to late 80s and now is playing a mom on some sitcom. I think its called ‘Still Standing’, but its basically a rip-off of ‘King of Queens’, where Jami plays the hot chick strangely married to the big dumb moron. But Jami has a very strong soccer mom thing going on. And its really hot.

Megan Mullally

Phatty: Ohh definitely. Although she’s kind of like Leah Remini, sometimes she’s hot and sometimes she’s not. Leah might be a nice addition, too, but I’m too lazy to see if she’s over 40. She’s had her definite up’s and down’s especially on the King of Queens, but thats mostly because she was pregnant. I also thought for a second about Megan Mullally (aka Karen Walker from “Will and Grace”) but then I slapped myself and move on to Sandra Bullock. I don’t care what anyone says – the scene they play almost every day on TBS for “Miss Congeniality” where she’s walking out of the airline hangar, thats hot. The girl’s 44 and I don’t care if she worked out or starved herself to get into that dress, I applaud you, Ms. Bullock.

Heather Locklear pic

Jim: OH……fucking great call on Megan Mullally. I love her. And not in the way girls say it, like ‘Oh, she’s so funny on Will and Grace’…, I mean in it the way that you know how I mean it……like I would absolutely ruin her if given the opportunity. I would also request…..nay, demand….that she talk in the high-pitched Karen Walker voice during the act. (Wait, am I giving away the fact that I know way too much about Will and Grace? I mean, Im not worried about being seen as gay–its just a horrible, horrible show)……..Anyway, I also love Heather Locklear. My friend Neil and I have stupid conversations a lot, and I have always told him that if I were the general manager of the hot chick league, I would have a ‘starting five’ –currently Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Biel, Diora Baird, Rosario Dawson, and Anne Hathaway–with one older woman as the ‘coach’. That coach used to be Locklear, but I think now it has to be Diane Lane. Especially since Heather looks a little cracky lately. Way too thin.

Elizabeth Hurley pics

Phatty: I’m glad you verified my Megan Mullally claim. I was beginning to think I had lost my touch. I, too, would require the hit pitched voice and the chest bumping that made Karen Walker that much more attractive. I also agree about Locklear although she was on some CBS show not that long ago (the one with David Spade that isn’t that funny) and she looked damn good. I almost forgot about Elizabeth Hurley, too. She’s never had a really good movie, but she definitely needs to be on the list. Also, Ashley Judd and Kylie Minogue are worth mentioning as they both turn 40 this year, too. Kylie has an ass that won’t quit and Ashley seems like the hot mom you’d look at in her khakis at the grocery store and try to determine if your boys would give you shit for banging her or actually be proud of you. I’d say I wouldn’t give a shit.

Topic of the Week: February 25th, 2008 – Does pregnancy really ruin a bitch? by idontknowmuch

Jessica Alba Pre-Oscars weird party

I know what you’re going to say, ladies: You are not all bitches and pregnancy is a beautiful thing and what would your mothers think? Well she doesn’t read this blog, thank god.

Jim: Interesting topic here. Now, before I get into this, you should have some background on me. I like curves. Skinny women with no breasts or ass do absolutely nothing for me. Rarely am I attracted to a woman with a B cup or smaller. So I am never going to get mad when a woman’s tits get huge and her ass gets more full. However, I don’t crave fat women, either. I dont have a pregnancy fetish. So if a woman isn’t really showing, up to 4 or 5 months, theres a good chance the pregnancy itself makes a woman hotter. But after that, I think I’d rather log on to assparade and visit my friend Peaches. Thats just how it goes.

Chris: Now I agree with you, my friend. I definitely like curves on a woman, too. Woman are supposed to have curves and especially an ass. I’m a complete ass man. I don’t really discriminate on the boobage, but I’m not going to say I don’t like a good pair. I will tell you this though. There are some pregnant woman that are really hot even up until the end. Maybe its because I already have a child of my own, but I’m not freaked out by the huge bump. But there is also a phenomenon that must be addressed here. Some woman are pregnant and get freaking huge and then shrink down to their normal size in about a month, some it seems like in a few days. Others don’t ever return to how they looked before. But there boobage remains much more robust for months to come. Look at Christina Aguilera. Salma Hayek. Camilla Alves. Brooke Burke.

Jim: And this is the phenomena I am hoping for Jessica Alba. If you remember, about 5 or 6 years ago, when she was in ‘Dark Angel’, Jess was just…….sublime. She wasn’t too skinny, but yet was nowhere near fat–or even thick. Then she started losing weight. A few months ago, she couldnt have been more than 100 pounds, and for a girl who was at her hottest when she had a decent rack and RIDICULOUS ASS, the skinny look isnt cool. So maybe now, her body will keep that weight on. If female celebrities getting pregnant–and the resulting love they get for their fuller figures–finally wakes people up to the fact that super-skinny IS NOT HOT, then I’m all for it. Thats why I’m starting to think all female celebrities who are getting too skinny in th future should just get knocked up. Some may say its not a good enough reason to get pregnant; I say, if Nicole Ritchie can get pregnant just to avoid jail time, then Hayden Panettiere can get knocked up so that we can look at her with a C cup. Its only fair.

Phatty: This might get confusing. I don’t think that Jamie Lynn Spears gets more attractive because she’s pregnant. She wasn’t too skinny in the first place, but she is only 16 and a Spears. So we can definitely say that pregnancy will ruin a Spears bitch, thats for damn sure. Not that Jaime Lynn was all that attractive, but next to her sister and her mom, I’d be choosing her. And I’m all for Hayden growing some boobies, but you know the pregnancy would go straight to that ass and thighs. She already has some issues in that department and she’s always working out, but hey I’m all for people who are trying to be active and healthy. I just don’t know how much of an improvement it would be…..

Jim: I never see her ass working out. I heard about her wrestling dolphins. Or was she hunting the fishermen that were hunting dolphin? I’m not sure. All I do know is that Hayden needs to get knocked up. We’ll get about 3-4 months of solid rack growth, then the bump will come, and then after that her bottom half will snap back into shape while her top half will be more respectable. She’s 18 and has no real job, and she has all that “heroes” money to get a personal trainer; she should have no problem losing the baby weight. But to be more on point, I think we have determined that pregnancy may not ruin a bitch……it depends on the bitch. Bitch.

Phatty: I guess you can actually say that we both don’t mind pregnant girls through their first couple months as long as it makes them have bigger boobies, bigger butts (but only if they need it), and that they get back on the treadmill after popping that kid out so that we can view them as hot again. And we’re both fat, balding slobs who should get on a treadmill ourselves so that at least a couple drunk bitches might say “Eh, he’ll do.”

Jim: Hey…..this isn’t about us and our incessant need to eat a pint of Ben n Jerry’s a night and follow that up with 2 artery clogging steaks, followed by sitting motionless on the couch for the following 3 hours, eventually leading to sleep. This is about famous women who are known for their beauty and their bodies, and their duty to stay hot until the next young starlet comes along and takes her spot. Everyone has their place…..bloggers are supposed to sit in their parent’s basements and make judgements of the beautiful people. The beautiful people are supposed to be beautiful.

Phatty: Spoken like a true poet.

Editor’s Note: Hayden Panettiere does work out. She wears workout clothes all the time. Although she doesn’t ever appear to be sweating….

Topic of the Week: February 18th, 2008 (even though its the 19th) – Hollywood Sluts by idontknowmuch

Lohan Topless Covered by Nipple

Phatty: So I woke up this yesterday morning and had the delight of viewing New York Magazine’s pictorial spread of Lindsay Lohan. The photoshoot is an homage to “The Last Sitting”, the series of photos of Marilyn Monroe at she took at the Bel-Air Hotel just six weeks before she died. And all I have to say is bravo, Lindsay. Not only did you completely screw up your acting career, but now you get to be an “artsy” whore so you can try and reclaim some of your star power. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of the body of your work (insert cheesy cackle here). I didn’t like it when you got really, really skinny on that coke binge a while back, but you packed some meat on during rehab and daddy like-y. But you and your Hollywood slut bags have got to start having a little more class. You’re reported to have fucked everyone in Hollywood. Twice. And Britney? Let’s not even get started on her. She’s the trailer trash version of the high school slut. She got made up to look like America’s Sweetheart and then went right back to downing moonshine and screwing dirt bags in the barn. And Ms. Hilton – I don’t think there’s a square inch of your body that we haven’t seen, and the ones we haven’t are probably riddled with disease. To top it all off, all three of you have opened up yourselves to everyone in the country like we all have MD’s in gynecology. While some of us might “claim that we do, we, in fact, do not.

Jim: I have many problems with your paragraph here. One, you call Lindsay a whore for getting naked for publicity. Its things like that….and people like you….who will discourage the Scarlett Johannson’s and Jessica Alba’s of the world from posing naked once their career dries up like a booger on the sofa of life. Also, Britney isn’t a ‘Hollywood’ slut. Slut? Yes. Does she live around Hollywood? I think so. But she’s not an actress. Unless you call ‘Crossroads’ cinema. And I don’t. And at this point, I don’t even consider Paris Hilton human. She’s like plankton, or lice. And the media is her host, from which she sucks life.

Phatty: Let me have another go at the title then. “Sluts that live in or around Hollywood and the Los Angeles area”. Is that better? And another thing is that these bitches love when you call them whores anyways. Maybe ScarJo or Alba wouldn’t admit to it, but they both like the dirty talk. One thing we do agree on is Ms. Hilton. She is a plague. A plague that for some reason we cannot rid the world of or look away from. Would you really meet this bitch at a club and take her home, knowing full well that she’s been plowed more times than the cornfield in back of my house? That cornfield has been here for at least 150 years, so thats a lot of plowing. One thing that we can definitely agree on is that out of the three ladies in question, we both would love to play connect the dots with Lindsay’s freckles and never, ever see the other two in person ever. Never ever. Ever. Agreed?

Jim: Let me tell you something right now….I wouldn’t fuck Paris Hilton with your dick. Seriously. A lot of internet nerds say shit about famous women….”Oh, she isnt that hot”…..”Her legs are nasty”…..blah blah blah. But in secret they would cum if Jessica Biel walked by them on the street. But Paris? No, son. No. That chick has more diseases than the monkey in ‘Outbreak’. (Thanks, Kevin Smith).

Phatty: Let’s just hope that this procession of Hollywood whoredom continues and we can start pushing some of these older ho’s to the side. I don’t have a problem with seeing artsy pictures of Lohan’s breasts (although let’s keep your legs closed, hunnie), but who is the next generation? We already know Miley Cyrus is heading down that path. And we always have Lindsay’s sister. Britney’s sister completely bypassed even getting to this stage since she’s pregnant at 16 and we’ll hopefully never hear about that family again unless it is in the Kentwood Gazette. I wonder if they can live up to all the scandalousness of their older counterparts.

Jim: I’ve got to think that the next worthwhile Hollywood skanks are out there. Hayden Panettiere may be one. We haven’t seen much skankness out of her yet, but she’s 18 and dating a 30-year old. Plus, she was photographed hanging out with Paris and Nicole Ritchie when she was like 15. So she may be an undercover skank. Also, remember……about 3-5 years ago, no one would of thought Britney would be a skank. Now, she is the possible queen of the skanks. Maybe today’s cutesy, girl-next-door is 2013’s skank. Lindsay’s little sister? Dakota Fanning? Why not?

Phatty: I guess we can only wait and see. Meanwhile, let’s see some more hotties try and resurrect their careers with more nakedness and shameless whoring around. And do it before you turn out like Britney. Do you hear me, Miley?

Topic of the Week: February 11th, 2008 by idontknowmuch

And the Grammy goes to….

Kanye West

Jim: So the Grammys were yesterday. As with most awards shows, I watched about an hour, then realized I would rather clean my oven then watch the whole show. So I soon skipped around to other shows, periodically coming in to see some awards I really wanted to see. One of those was best rap album. I’m glad Kanye won; all of his shit is hot. And I especially liked that during his speech, he shamed the producers into turning off the ‘end your speech’ music.

Phatty: As with most award shows, I watched none of it live and checked our some performances afterwards. And I must say, Aretha looks damn good. Wait….she was the one in the yellow dress? Oh….umm…..okay. She SOUNDED good then. And Mr. West, Mr. West, I am so impressed. With all his bitching about not winning at awards show, it was great to see Graduation and “The Good Life” get honors. Since I’m a fellow Chicagoan who also happens to be white, that was the record that I was bumping and would turn down stealthily when I pulled up to red lights. No I’m not afraid they’d hear me listening. I just didn’t want to cause any accidents with my driver seat juking.

Jim: Kanye deserved the Best Album of the Year, too. These Grammy voters are ridiculous. Herbie Hancock? Listen, I respect Herbie and his work. And I get jazz. Its cool. I can’t say I listen to it, but when I hear it, I enjoy it. But the average age of Grammy voters is somewhere around 45. Are you trying to tell me the majority of those voters gave ‘Graduation’ a full listen? Please. I bet half of those fools looked at the list, said  ‘Hmm. Herbie is good. I remember that video in the early 90s with the dancing robot. Lets give it to him.’ You think some 67 year old voter gave 4 listens to ‘Graduation’? Please.

Phatty: They obviously liked Amy Winehouse’s cracked-out teeth though. But thats just because her whole “thing” is sounding like she’s from an older generation, but with a “modern” twist. And you know what? People had told me that she would win despite all her drug problems and her husband in jail and shit, but I don’t think they should give her the damn Grammys if she can’t enter the United States? “What’s that, Ms. Winehouse? You’re visa was revoked? Oh shit….now we have to listen to this “Graduation” album by Kane West or something. What’s that, Jerry? We can still give her the awards via satellite? Well thats a relief. Well….just give her five awards then. Make her lose at least once so they don’t think this is just rigged. Sorry, Amy. Yes, yes. You too. Have a good day.

Jim: I dont get the Amy Winehouse love. I liked ‘Rehab’, but 5 Grammys? Come on, dude. I won’t take the Grammys seriously until they start giving Hip Hop the credit it deserves. Are you trying to tell me that no hip hop album has been the best album of the year….ever? No Biggie? No Tupac? No Outkast? Come on, dude. I’ll tell you something else–these idiots probably never listened to 50 Cent’s ‘I Get Money’, because that shit might be the best Hip Hop song of the year. Yes, 50 got his ass kicked by kanye when it comes to overall sales and quality of a whole album, but ‘I Get Money’ is the shit. This has been Hip Hop Minute.

Editor’s Note: Both of us white boys love Kanye Wizzle. Fo shizzle.

Topic of the Week: February 4th, 2008 by idontknowmuch

Britney Spears with her sister and brother

This is a new Feature Section on Every Monday (or Tuesday if we’re too hungover) we will post a back and forth commentary between this blog’s two esteemed writers. This week’s feature: The Spears Family.

Phatty: My first reaction to last week’s Britney drama is just to feel bad for the girl. And I look at her Dad (who looks like he’s 75 years old now) and only think of what it would be like to have her as a daughter. Its probably worse than having a pornstar or stripper in the family. But then I remember she’s still worth $250 million and I remember why we’re here in the first place.

Jim: Dude, I place all of the blame on her father and mother. Britney’s been trained to be the human equivalent of a grizzly bear riding a tricycle since she was 16. ‘You don’t need an education, baby….go out there and make mommy and daddy some coin.’ Then, people are all shocked when she has a breakdown at 25. If I was rich beyond my wildest dreams at 16 and had no parental guidance, I would’ve been dead by 21. I would of tried to buy the world’s supply of Ecstasy. It would of gotten real ugly.

Phatty: I can’t believe you gave yourself 5 years to live. I’d say you would at least have 5 1/2 or 6 good years in you after you hit it rich. And look at Britney? She’s been on a supposed meth binge for the last few years and was just recently committed. You’d just be touching people inappropriately and seeing rainbows and then become really paranoid. Maybe even start hanging out with paparazzi because you don’t have any other real friends…hey wait a minute….

Jim: I wasn’t too into meth. Never tried it, so I can’t speak intelligently on how it affects you. Does it make you not care about your two kids? Perhaps. The better question here is about K-Fed. Isn’t it entirely possible that he’s an evil genius? Look at the facts: he marries Britney when she is at hear absolute hotness peak. He knocks her up a couple times. Then, as the marriage is beginning to show signs of trouble, he introduces meth. (Just a theory). So he gets her hooked on meth, they break up, and suddenly…..he looks like the sane one. He looks like the good parent. And he’s got two little meal tickets in his custody who are entitled to a major portion of Brit’s money. Fucking. Genius.

Phatty: Thats not a bad conspiracy theory, my friend. I guarantee he fucked her mom while she was in a drug-induced coma. He probably knocked up Jaime Lynn, too. And not only does he introduce Britney to meth, but also introduces laxatives as her candy-coated antidote. She’s popping those ten pills a day because she thinks it’ll reverse the effects of the meth she’s addicted to, and all she ends up doing is shitting her brains out. If I took two laxatives I’d be like a freaking Roto Rooter. Let’s just say it would not be pretty.

Jim: Thats a good point about him nailing Brit’s mom. She’s a decent MILF. If you’re married to a woman you don’t really care about, and her mom is batshit nuts and relatively hot for an older broad, then obviously you’re going to hit it. Every younger guy wants an older woman. They are very learned, and by the looks of Brit’s dad, this particuluar older woman hadn’t been treated well. So obviously she is going to run into the arms of a charmer like K-Fed. 45-year old women cannot resist an unshaven, 21 year old wigger. Its science.

Phatty: Or…..its electric. Doo doo doooo da doodoodoo dooo dooooooo and slide. I’m actually kind of worried about KFed’s powers of persuasion. I really don’t know how he waltzed into Britney’s life and took over by storm. Speaking of taking over by storm, I think American Idol has something to do with this. They needed to knock Britney down from the Axis of Music power, and to do so, they disguised a brilliant mastermind as said KFed, wife beater and all, to descend upon the Queen of American Pop Stardom (or QAPS for those of you who are so inclined to use acronyms) and completely ruin her life. All this so the world could have Kelly Clarkson, Gay Aiken, Carrie Underwood (which I’m thankful for), and that fat black dude. Fair trade-off? I’m not so sure. Even Ms. Underwood has yet to eclipse the “Boys (Remix)” as far as musical prowess is concerned.

Jim: Thats interesting. In any controversy or conspiracy theory, you look to who benefits (Donald Sutherland in ‘JFK’ taught me that)……hence, American Idol is behind it all. Maybe all of it…..the show, the knock-off of Britney from the QAPS perch, everything… setting the stage for a Paula Abdul comeback. She could do a comeback tour, and make tons of videos with that cartoon cheetah. And her and Arsenio Hall could rekindle their romance!! It could be 1990 all over again! Break out your IOU sweatshirts and Z-Cavariccis.